Your view of personal goals can affect your relationships
The authors of this short but interesting paper show how what you think about your goals -- whether it's to improve yourself or to do better than others -- can affect whether you reach those goals. these different kinds of goals can also have distinct effects on your relationships with people, including those you work with, live with and love.
The study looks at two different kinds of goals, "mastery" and "performance" goals. This, in itself, is a good thing to think about and how your goals as a couple or family fit one of these two categories. People with "mastery goals" want to improve themselves. For instance, they may want to get better grades, make more sales, or a skater who wants to land that triple toe loop. They want to master their subject.
People with "performance goals" are try to outperform others -- they try to get a better grade than a someone else, or be Sale person of the Year. They want to do better than others.
P. Marijn Poortvliet, of Tilburg University in the Netherlands, and Céline Darnon, of France's Clermont University, are interested in the social context of these goals -- what they do to your relationships. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with these goals. Both kinds of goals can be useful in different contexts. But when and where you have one of these goals can have a deep effect on your relationships.
Poortvliet's work focuses on information exchange -- whether people are open and honest when they are working together. "People with performance goals are more deceitful" and less likely to share information with coworkers, both in the laboratory and in real-world offices he has studied, Poortvliet says. "The reason is fairly obvious -- when you want to outperform others, it doesn't make sense to be honest about information." You don't say, "My intention is to win, to beat you, and this is how I'm going to do it." Nor are you likely to develop a way of expressing yourself that supports openness and sharing, if winning, besting, is your goal.
People who are trying to improve themselves are to the contrary quite open. Poortvliet says. "If the ultimate goal is to improve yourself, one way to do it is to be very cooperative with other people." This cooperativeness can help improve the work environment, even though the people with these goals aren't necessarily thinking about social relations. What they do realize is that they will more likely reach this goal by cooperating, rather than competing. "They're not really altruists, per se. They see the social exchange as a means toward the ends of self improvement." Other research has found that people with these self-improvement goals are more open to hearing different perspectives, while people with a performance goal "would rather just say, 'I'm just right and you are wrong.'"
Poortvliet says it's not always bad to be competitive, "For example, if you want to be the Olympic champion, of course it's nice to have mastery goals and you should probably have mastery goals, but you definitely need performance goals because you want to be the winner and not the runner-up." We all do, some time, need to win. What game would you play where you always lose? How would you feel? Winning is sometimes OK. But how goals affect the social environment and your interactions with others is an important thing to think about. "If you really want to establish constructive and long-lasting working relationships, then you should really balance the different levels of goals," Poortvliet says -- thinking not only about each person's achievement, but also about the team as a whole. The two critical parts to this are: Awareness, and balance. Being aware of what kind of goal you have, and having a balanced set of goals. Appropriate goals, and behaviours, at appropriate times. You can see how this would affect a relationship, how the wrong goals, or a poor balance of goals, would drive a couple apart.
Being aware, and self monitoring, is a good way to keep these goals balance. In the workplace a manager can use different techniques to make sure the workplace has a balance, and therefore is welcoming to cooperation, and encouraging of a little competition. That might make a good goal for a marriage or relationship too.
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Dr. jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and has served as a board member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. He has over twenty years clinical experience providing couple, marriage and family therapy. His offices are located in Burnaby, near Lougheed Mall, and Downtown Vancouver. His Burnaby office is convenient to Coquitlam. Port Moody, New Westminster and Maple Ridge. His practice focuses on therapeutic interventions based upon Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and the work of Dr. John Gottman.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
www.relatedminds.com
Dr. Jim Roche at AAMFT: Click here.
9304A Salish Court
Burnaby, British Columbia
778.998-7975
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
About Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Often clients come in or call and ask some basic questions about CBT. For instance, ""What is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy?" They've heard about it, or their medical doctor recommended it. So I've posted an introductory video on CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). You might want to look up more about CBT and to help you I would suggest googling CBT, Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck (this video is by his daughter Dr. Judith Beck) or going to wikipedia. These are really good places to start. If you come into the office I'll be suggesting some books, and most likely providing an introductory handout for you. If your concern is about CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and anxiety a really good place to start would be the web site for AnxietyBC. You can reach that by clicking here. They also have an excellent selection of information for children and adolescents with anxiety, and most of the techniques are similar to what we use with depression.
I hope this introductory information is helpful to those who have questions about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). One final note: Often practitioners claim to "do CBT." They say they have training or a "background" in CBT. Don't be afraid to ask them more about their background, education and experience. Someone providing cognitive behaviour therapy should have several courses and, more importantly, supervised experience doing CBT. They should have had six months or a year of weekly supervised experience. That means someone well trained in CBT watched them doing it, listened to recordings of sessions, and reviewed cases weekly. This is a little different than having attended a 3 day workshop in what is a rather complicated technique. Don't be afraid to ask!
This blog is not offered as medical advice or as a means of diagnosing or treating depression, anxiety, relationship problems or any other disorder. Don't go on line and take any mental health "test." Diagnosis is complex, and it involves not just looking for a list of symptoms, but also ruling out other disorders that might look just like what you suspect. So avoid these on-line "tests" which are nothing more than a collection of symptoms. You need to see a licensed or registered professional for that. Medical doctors can diagnose, but a diagnosis is complex and often they will make a referral to a Registered Psychologist. You can obtain a referral from the British Columbia Psychological Association for a psychologist near you. See a registered professional, either a Registered Psychologist or Registered Marriage and Family Therapist.
My web page lists a number of resources you can make use of yourself in dealing with individual, couple or family issues. Please visit it at www.relatedminds.com, one of my other sites at either Psychology Today, AAMFT, PSYRIS or my professional site.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) assessment and treatment services are offered for individuals, couples, families, children and adolescents in the Burnaby, Vancouver, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New Westminster and Maple Ridge areas of the lower mainland. This includes neuro-developmental assessments, psycho-education and cognitive behaviour therapy. I also provide diagnostic assessments for autism and Asperger's Disorder in my Burnaby office.
Dr. Jim Roche
Registered Psychologist, British Columbia 01610
778.998-7975
www.relatedminds.com (couple/family therapy)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview
John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview
Everybody comes for "communications help" when they come for marriage therapy or couple or family therapy. But often the problem isn't one of lack of communication, they are communicating enough. The problem is often their expectations. This little video shows John Gottman talking about just this issue.
For information on my marraige and family therapy practice please go to www.relatedminds.com
Everybody comes for "communications help" when they come for marriage therapy or couple or family therapy. But often the problem isn't one of lack of communication, they are communicating enough. The problem is often their expectations. This little video shows John Gottman talking about just this issue.
For information on my marraige and family therapy practice please go to www.relatedminds.com
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
What to ask your Marriage or Couples Therapist
I just finished another phone call where I made a referral to another professional rather than taking the case myself. This was a personal referral, a medical doctor who sends couples to me and children for assessment suggested my name to a young woman with an eating disorder. I have never felt I had enough background in eating disorders to treat this disorder and simply told this woman that. I then helped her find a therapist with an appropriate background, education and training to help her. Every psychologist, and every therapist, is not trained or prepared to deal with every situation. I also refer assessments for children under 4, even though I have many years of experience with children and adolescents, I just don't feel competent to assess a 4 year old, but I know someone who is.
Couple and family therapy is like that. Not every therapist, counsellor or psychologist is really prepared to work with a couple or family. Here in British Columbia we have a special situation with there being registered professionals (Registered Psychologists and Registered Social Workers) and then, as odd as it may seem, people who list themselves as "registered" such as Registered Clinical Counsellors, who really are not registered at all!
What? How can that be? Well Registered Clinical Counsellors, RCCs, are not regulated by the government. "Registered" in British Columbia means you are able to practice because you have been granted permission to practice based upon education, experience and a professional examination administered by or acceptable to the REGULATORY AGENCY. The College of Psychologists is one such body here.
RCC's have a professional association, but unlike a regulatory body they do not have a separate government sanctioned process for certifying competence to the public. This doesn't mean that an RCC might not be a very well trained and experienced counsellor. Some are. But howe do you know who is well trained, especially in couple and family therapy, and who isn't?
Usually people look at titles, degrees and make a choice about who they should see, but with couple and marriage problems, this is not necessarily a good idea. An individual may say they provide family or couple therapy, but in reality have very little experience or educational background in the field. Marriage and Family Therapy is a regulated profession in all 50 states in the United States, and is in some parts of Canada (It is usually considered a specialty and requires specially training and education). In British Columbia it is not under the control of a regulatory body at present, so anyone, that's ANYONE, can call themselves a marriage and family therapist. How can you make sure you are seeing someone who has adequate training and experience?
Some therapists here in British Columbia belong to the professional association called the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCMFT). ALL of these individuals have graduate degree's in marriage and family therapy that meet the standards that those licensed in the United States and other parts of Canada meet. All members of BCAMFT have one or two years of full time supervised experience in marriage and family therapy (RCCs need only one hundred hours of supervision and might say they do marriage and couple work after a weekend workshop. There is no law or regulation protecting the title Marriage and Couple Therapist). So my advice is that if you are going to look for a couple, marriage or family therapist you check with BCAMFT and find someone who has meet their standards. Their web page can be found here BCAMFT.
BCAMFT is seeking to organize a "regulatory body" here in BC, and it will just be a matter of time before they do. What I know is that your best bet for finding an experienced family therapist is checking their website. You can also note that many of the clinical members of BCAMFT are also registered psychologists! Yes, you could find someone who has both registrations and this will often help with your insurance company.
After you locate two or three individuals you would like to contact prepare a list of questions to help you make a decision on who would be best for you. I'd write these questions down, so that you ask the same questions to all three people you are contacting. Here are some suggested questions to help you pick the right therapist for you:
1. Can you tell me about your background and training in marriage therapy? (Are they AAMFT or BCAMFT members? Did they attend a program that specialized and focused on marriage and family therapy? How many hours of experience were part of their training? Was their supervisor an "approved AAMFT supervisor?"
A simple follow-up question, which helps because many counsellors say they are trained in the field when they have minimal training and experience, is this:
"What professional association do you belong to that trains and supports marriage and couple counselling?"
If they are working in the field, and are really meet the criteria to be a marriage and family therapist, they should either belong to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) or the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT). If they are a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist they belong, if they don't belong it's most likely because they don't meet the standards for registration.
2. How much of your practice is in marriage and family therapy? Marriage therapy requires special skills, and someone who does mostly individual work would not be my choice. Some therapists try to have a balance of individual, testing and couples work. A good marriage or couple therapist should be seeing several couples every week. Couples therapy requires a mindset that individual therapy does not.
3. Of the couples you see, how many stay together? Usually about 70% of couples stay together. If your therapist says 90% it's something to wonder about. The research doesn't say that's likely (Read Dr. John Gottman's page for some insight into the therapy process. It can be found by clicking here.)
4. What is your experience helping couples like us? And how do you determine your goals?
5. What theories, therapist or books do you recommend to people? Most family therapists are what are known as "systemic" or "systems" therapists. Some are Cognitive behaviour therapists, and many these days will note the writings and techniques of John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field. A lot of therapists take theories and procedures from individual therapy and simply apply it to couples, but couples are a system, and families are complex systems. That's why AAMFT and BCAMFT require one to two years of full time supervised clinical experience working in the field.
I hope this has helped you if you are looking for a couple or marriage therapist. This is an important decision, and you need to find a competent and experienced therapist for this complex task. More information about my own practice can be found at www.relatedminds.com. You are welcome to contact me by phone (778.998-7975) or email (drjimroche@gmail.com) if you would like more information.
Couple and family therapy is like that. Not every therapist, counsellor or psychologist is really prepared to work with a couple or family. Here in British Columbia we have a special situation with there being registered professionals (Registered Psychologists and Registered Social Workers) and then, as odd as it may seem, people who list themselves as "registered" such as Registered Clinical Counsellors, who really are not registered at all!
What? How can that be? Well Registered Clinical Counsellors, RCCs, are not regulated by the government. "Registered" in British Columbia means you are able to practice because you have been granted permission to practice based upon education, experience and a professional examination administered by or acceptable to the REGULATORY AGENCY. The College of Psychologists is one such body here.
RCC's have a professional association, but unlike a regulatory body they do not have a separate government sanctioned process for certifying competence to the public. This doesn't mean that an RCC might not be a very well trained and experienced counsellor. Some are. But howe do you know who is well trained, especially in couple and family therapy, and who isn't?
Usually people look at titles, degrees and make a choice about who they should see, but with couple and marriage problems, this is not necessarily a good idea. An individual may say they provide family or couple therapy, but in reality have very little experience or educational background in the field. Marriage and Family Therapy is a regulated profession in all 50 states in the United States, and is in some parts of Canada (It is usually considered a specialty and requires specially training and education). In British Columbia it is not under the control of a regulatory body at present, so anyone, that's ANYONE, can call themselves a marriage and family therapist. How can you make sure you are seeing someone who has adequate training and experience?
Some therapists here in British Columbia belong to the professional association called the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCMFT). ALL of these individuals have graduate degree's in marriage and family therapy that meet the standards that those licensed in the United States and other parts of Canada meet. All members of BCAMFT have one or two years of full time supervised experience in marriage and family therapy (RCCs need only one hundred hours of supervision and might say they do marriage and couple work after a weekend workshop. There is no law or regulation protecting the title Marriage and Couple Therapist). So my advice is that if you are going to look for a couple, marriage or family therapist you check with BCAMFT and find someone who has meet their standards. Their web page can be found here BCAMFT.
BCAMFT is seeking to organize a "regulatory body" here in BC, and it will just be a matter of time before they do. What I know is that your best bet for finding an experienced family therapist is checking their website. You can also note that many of the clinical members of BCAMFT are also registered psychologists! Yes, you could find someone who has both registrations and this will often help with your insurance company.
After you locate two or three individuals you would like to contact prepare a list of questions to help you make a decision on who would be best for you. I'd write these questions down, so that you ask the same questions to all three people you are contacting. Here are some suggested questions to help you pick the right therapist for you:
1. Can you tell me about your background and training in marriage therapy? (Are they AAMFT or BCAMFT members? Did they attend a program that specialized and focused on marriage and family therapy? How many hours of experience were part of their training? Was their supervisor an "approved AAMFT supervisor?"
A simple follow-up question, which helps because many counsellors say they are trained in the field when they have minimal training and experience, is this:
"What professional association do you belong to that trains and supports marriage and couple counselling?"
If they are working in the field, and are really meet the criteria to be a marriage and family therapist, they should either belong to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) or the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT). If they are a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist they belong, if they don't belong it's most likely because they don't meet the standards for registration.
2. How much of your practice is in marriage and family therapy? Marriage therapy requires special skills, and someone who does mostly individual work would not be my choice. Some therapists try to have a balance of individual, testing and couples work. A good marriage or couple therapist should be seeing several couples every week. Couples therapy requires a mindset that individual therapy does not.
3. Of the couples you see, how many stay together? Usually about 70% of couples stay together. If your therapist says 90% it's something to wonder about. The research doesn't say that's likely (Read Dr. John Gottman's page for some insight into the therapy process. It can be found by clicking here.)
4. What is your experience helping couples like us? And how do you determine your goals?
5. What theories, therapist or books do you recommend to people? Most family therapists are what are known as "systemic" or "systems" therapists. Some are Cognitive behaviour therapists, and many these days will note the writings and techniques of John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field. A lot of therapists take theories and procedures from individual therapy and simply apply it to couples, but couples are a system, and families are complex systems. That's why AAMFT and BCAMFT require one to two years of full time supervised clinical experience working in the field.
I hope this has helped you if you are looking for a couple or marriage therapist. This is an important decision, and you need to find a competent and experienced therapist for this complex task. More information about my own practice can be found at www.relatedminds.com. You are welcome to contact me by phone (778.998-7975) or email (drjimroche@gmail.com) if you would like more information.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
John Gray: How Men Communicate
I've never been a big fan of John Gray, the author of Men are From Mars and Women, well, you know, VENUS! But often times when sitting in a session, trying to be very focused on teaching John Gottman's theory and doing John Gottman's exercises, I end up telling a story based on what I heard from John Gray.
It's pretty good stuff, and you should take some time to figure out why on your wife's birthday the card is more important than the gift, and on your husband's birthday it's the present that counts.
Enjoy this short video.
For more information on my Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy services, serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster and Port Moody out of my Burnaby office, or information about my Vancouver office, click here. If you need information on how to get to my office, or about other services, click here.
Again, I remind you, if you are looking for a marriage, couple or family therapist your best choice is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in British Columbia. These are individuals with specific training and supervision in working with families. If your insurance carrier will only pay for the services of a Registered Psychologist, you will find a number of RMFTs are also Registered Psychologists.
It's pretty good stuff, and you should take some time to figure out why on your wife's birthday the card is more important than the gift, and on your husband's birthday it's the present that counts.
Enjoy this short video.
For more information on my Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy services, serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster and Port Moody out of my Burnaby office, or information about my Vancouver office, click here. If you need information on how to get to my office, or about other services, click here.
Again, I remind you, if you are looking for a marriage, couple or family therapist your best choice is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in British Columbia. These are individuals with specific training and supervision in working with families. If your insurance carrier will only pay for the services of a Registered Psychologist, you will find a number of RMFTs are also Registered Psychologists.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Does Couple Counselling Work?
Does couple counselling work? That's a hard question to answer because success can mean something very different to one couple than another. What I do know is that if your marriage is having problems, you shouldn't wait too long to seek professional help. Sometimes success is a couple staying together. Sometimes it means breaking up. Sometimes it means breaking up and acting in a decent enough way to each other that the divorce doesn't have detrimental effects on your children. And sometimes it means breaking up and NOT making the same mistakes over and over again in your future relationships. But for most couples who show up at my office door for couple therapy or marriage counselling, their goal is to stay together. So what are your chances of staying together?
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
Monday, July 19, 2010
Children, Behaviour Problems and Couples Therapy: Which First?
Often couples come in to see me who are having problems both with their relationship and with their children's behaviour. "Which should we work on first?" is often the question. Well, it's hard to say, but I do know you can't get anywhere working on your children's behaviour issues while your fighting. So, generally I think it's relationship, then kids.
That doesn't mean that you should wait for your relationship to be fixed before you begin working on the kids. There are some simple techniques that will help improve things quickly, and working on these issues will be a good place for you and your spouse to try out your new couples and communications skills.
For those who are not familiar with my programs for children I do a considerable amount of child and adolescent therapy. This usually includes seeing the children briefly, so that I have a fairly good idea of how they are doing, and then training the parents. This is what works best, because parents spend the most time with their children and will have the greatest chance of effecting change.
Often initial child therapy involves developing some interactions skills that will come in useful. I often recommend Dr. Ross Greens book "The Explosive Child" in order to understand how to soften and reduce the frequency of temper tantrums. Yes, these are also good skills to use with each other, and even for couples without children I sometimes recommend this book! Next we try to develop a comprehensive behaviour plan that includes ignoring, as much as humanly possible, inappropriate behaviours, and reinforcing new appropriate behaviours. That means understanding why your child does something, and knowing what the "function" of the behaviour is. We then try to teach the child a new functionally equivalent replacement behaviour which still gets the child what he or she needs or wants, but to do it in an appropriate way. You may be thinking, well, maybe that's what we should be doing with each other as well. You right if that's what your thinking.
Often marriage or couple therapy is about developing a deeper understanding of the needs of the other, and together developing new appropriate ways to meet those needs. That goes for you, your spouse or your child.
If you would like to know more about family or marriage counselling please go to my web page at www.relatedminds.com If your having particular trouble with your child, especially one who has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism or other problems, you could go directly to my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website at www.adhdhelp.ca Finally, you can find out more about me at my Psychology Today web site by clicking here.
You can set up an appointment for my Burnaby office by calling 778.9980-7975 My Burnaby office serves Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New West Minster and Maple Ridge. I also have offices in Vancouver. You will find a map to my office on my website.
That doesn't mean that you should wait for your relationship to be fixed before you begin working on the kids. There are some simple techniques that will help improve things quickly, and working on these issues will be a good place for you and your spouse to try out your new couples and communications skills.
For those who are not familiar with my programs for children I do a considerable amount of child and adolescent therapy. This usually includes seeing the children briefly, so that I have a fairly good idea of how they are doing, and then training the parents. This is what works best, because parents spend the most time with their children and will have the greatest chance of effecting change.
Often initial child therapy involves developing some interactions skills that will come in useful. I often recommend Dr. Ross Greens book "The Explosive Child" in order to understand how to soften and reduce the frequency of temper tantrums. Yes, these are also good skills to use with each other, and even for couples without children I sometimes recommend this book! Next we try to develop a comprehensive behaviour plan that includes ignoring, as much as humanly possible, inappropriate behaviours, and reinforcing new appropriate behaviours. That means understanding why your child does something, and knowing what the "function" of the behaviour is. We then try to teach the child a new functionally equivalent replacement behaviour which still gets the child what he or she needs or wants, but to do it in an appropriate way. You may be thinking, well, maybe that's what we should be doing with each other as well. You right if that's what your thinking.
Often marriage or couple therapy is about developing a deeper understanding of the needs of the other, and together developing new appropriate ways to meet those needs. That goes for you, your spouse or your child.
If you would like to know more about family or marriage counselling please go to my web page at www.relatedminds.com If your having particular trouble with your child, especially one who has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism or other problems, you could go directly to my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website at www.adhdhelp.ca Finally, you can find out more about me at my Psychology Today web site by clicking here.
You can set up an appointment for my Burnaby office by calling 778.9980-7975 My Burnaby office serves Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New West Minster and Maple Ridge. I also have offices in Vancouver. You will find a map to my office on my website.
Friday, July 2, 2010
ADHD and Marriage
Almost 1/3 of my marriage and couple referrals involve issues in a relationship that are related to possible ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Often "You don't listen to me!" "You forget everything!" and "You just can't be relied on..." problems are related to issues of Executive Dysfunction in one or maybe both partners. And inability to follow-through, plan, initiate and even more important, control your emotions is often a signal that there may be an issue of executive deficit or dysfunction, similar too ADHD, that needs to be looked at.
Often I ask couples to complete some short self report forms that help me in a diagnostic process called "differential diagnosis." That means not immediately focusing on what everyone thinks is the problem but also looking at other possible causes.
This investigation can often lead us to teaching specific skills to compensate for deficits, and providing education to the other spouse about what may be at the heart of their problem. An inability to change behaviour can also be a frontal lobe or executive problem, and there are skills and interventions we can implement to work on those. What's most important is to understand that procrastination, messiness, disorder and inability to make changes can be signs of more than a relationship issue. They may be something that causes the relationship issue but also something that needs an intervention separate from our usual family systems intervention.
Be open minded, and be willing to look at all possible causes of your problems. Sometimes fixing these issues first makes fixing your relationship easier.
You can visit my web site at www.RelatedMinds.com by clicking here. Or you can look at my Psychology Today website.
Often I ask couples to complete some short self report forms that help me in a diagnostic process called "differential diagnosis." That means not immediately focusing on what everyone thinks is the problem but also looking at other possible causes.
This investigation can often lead us to teaching specific skills to compensate for deficits, and providing education to the other spouse about what may be at the heart of their problem. An inability to change behaviour can also be a frontal lobe or executive problem, and there are skills and interventions we can implement to work on those. What's most important is to understand that procrastination, messiness, disorder and inability to make changes can be signs of more than a relationship issue. They may be something that causes the relationship issue but also something that needs an intervention separate from our usual family systems intervention.
Be open minded, and be willing to look at all possible causes of your problems. Sometimes fixing these issues first makes fixing your relationship easier.
You can visit my web site at www.RelatedMinds.com by clicking here. Or you can look at my Psychology Today website.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
FAQ's on Marriage and Family Therapy
A short post today. Here is a great link for some simple FAQ's (Frequently Asked Questions) on Marriage Counselling and Family Therapy fro the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Click here.
For more information you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
For more information you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
Saturday, June 19, 2010
How to Choose a Marriage and Family Counsellor or Therapist
How to choose a Marriage and Family Therapist
You will find a list of Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT’s) in British Columbia by clicking this link AAMFT.
All REGISTERED Marriage and Family Therapist are all clinical members of the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). This includes a graduate degree focused on family therapy and two years of close clinical supervision by an approved and specially trained supervisor.
When you have identified one or more RMFT from the list who are accessible to you, call and interview them briefly over the phone. Some questions you may want to consider are:
What is your educational and training background?
All registered marriage and family therapists therapists on this list are qualified and experienced, but you may like to find out where they went to school, their specialty, or how long they have been doing this work.
Do you have experience treating the kind of problem I have?
Remember, not all therapists can treat all problems. Sometimes a therapist specializes in certain areas. If the therapist’s area of expertise is not the one you are looking for, ask for a referral to a therapist who can best help you. You will need to briefly indicate the problems you are experiencing (eg. marital difficulties, stress, anxiety at work etc). You should expect the therapist to ask you a bit about your problems to se if THEY are a good fit.
How much do you charge and what is your method of payment?
Fees typically range in B.C. $100.00 to $125.00 for those with an MA. Those with doctorate degrees (PhD’s) typically charge $160.00 to $175.00 per hour.
Would you be covered under my employment insurance policy or any other plan?
Some employers, typically the larger ones, have extended health benefits that cover some counselling. Read the fine print carefully. Sometimes MFTs are covered, sometimes they are not. A number of larger companies have employee assistance plans (EAP’s) that do cover MFTs. Again, check a carefully with your employer’s human resources or personnel department. Although the therapist may not know the answer off hand (as there are many policies and they keep changing) he/she should be able to guide you to find out the information you seek. As well, some employers or insurance companies will add a particular therapist or professional therapy designation to their list of those who are covered if employees make the request.
A number of MFT here in British Columbia are also Registered Psychologist (in addition to their MFT training). Their services are almost always covered by extended health care plans.
Also, remember that you may see a number of individuals advertising, especially on the web, who say they are marriage and family therapist or practice marriage counselling. Many of these are RCCs (Registered Clinical Counsellors) or CCC (Canadian Clinical Counsellors). Unless they are members of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapist they are not registered family therapists. Often they will have had a course of two in family therapy, and maybe have practiced family therapy for a while. However, this is very different from a clinical member of AAMFT and BCAMFT who have completed specialized graduate programs in the field and have had a minimum of 1,200 hours of supervised clinical experience under the supervision of an approved and specially trained supervisor. (Some RCCs may have as little as 100 hours of supervised training, CCCs even less.) Ask, "Are you a clinical member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists?" If couple or family issues are your problem, go to an expert.
Where are the sessions held and what is the length of time of a session?
After you have had a brief conversation based on the above questions you should have a “feel” for this therapist. If you feel fairly positive, proceed with booking an appointment. If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, interview some one else.
Finally, the usual length of session is 50 to 60 minutes. Sometimes you can arrange a longer
session.
For more information on specialized Family and Couple Therapy in British Columbia you can click here and go to BCAMFT website.
For information about my website go to www.relatedminds.com
You will find a list of Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT’s) in British Columbia by clicking this link AAMFT.
All REGISTERED Marriage and Family Therapist are all clinical members of the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). This includes a graduate degree focused on family therapy and two years of close clinical supervision by an approved and specially trained supervisor.
When you have identified one or more RMFT from the list who are accessible to you, call and interview them briefly over the phone. Some questions you may want to consider are:
What is your educational and training background?
All registered marriage and family therapists therapists on this list are qualified and experienced, but you may like to find out where they went to school, their specialty, or how long they have been doing this work.
Do you have experience treating the kind of problem I have?
Remember, not all therapists can treat all problems. Sometimes a therapist specializes in certain areas. If the therapist’s area of expertise is not the one you are looking for, ask for a referral to a therapist who can best help you. You will need to briefly indicate the problems you are experiencing (eg. marital difficulties, stress, anxiety at work etc). You should expect the therapist to ask you a bit about your problems to se if THEY are a good fit.
How much do you charge and what is your method of payment?
Fees typically range in B.C. $100.00 to $125.00 for those with an MA. Those with doctorate degrees (PhD’s) typically charge $160.00 to $175.00 per hour.
Would you be covered under my employment insurance policy or any other plan?
Some employers, typically the larger ones, have extended health benefits that cover some counselling. Read the fine print carefully. Sometimes MFTs are covered, sometimes they are not. A number of larger companies have employee assistance plans (EAP’s) that do cover MFTs. Again, check a carefully with your employer’s human resources or personnel department. Although the therapist may not know the answer off hand (as there are many policies and they keep changing) he/she should be able to guide you to find out the information you seek. As well, some employers or insurance companies will add a particular therapist or professional therapy designation to their list of those who are covered if employees make the request.
A number of MFT here in British Columbia are also Registered Psychologist (in addition to their MFT training). Their services are almost always covered by extended health care plans.
Also, remember that you may see a number of individuals advertising, especially on the web, who say they are marriage and family therapist or practice marriage counselling. Many of these are RCCs (Registered Clinical Counsellors) or CCC (Canadian Clinical Counsellors). Unless they are members of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapist they are not registered family therapists. Often they will have had a course of two in family therapy, and maybe have practiced family therapy for a while. However, this is very different from a clinical member of AAMFT and BCAMFT who have completed specialized graduate programs in the field and have had a minimum of 1,200 hours of supervised clinical experience under the supervision of an approved and specially trained supervisor. (Some RCCs may have as little as 100 hours of supervised training, CCCs even less.) Ask, "Are you a clinical member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists?" If couple or family issues are your problem, go to an expert.
Where are the sessions held and what is the length of time of a session?
After you have had a brief conversation based on the above questions you should have a “feel” for this therapist. If you feel fairly positive, proceed with booking an appointment. If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, interview some one else.
Finally, the usual length of session is 50 to 60 minutes. Sometimes you can arrange a longer
session.
For more information on specialized Family and Couple Therapy in British Columbia you can click here and go to BCAMFT website.
For information about my website go to www.relatedminds.com
Friday, June 18, 2010
John Gottman on Repair
For more information on Gottman oriented therapy and counselling please visit my web site at www.relatedminds.com
John Gottman on the Four Horsemen
For more information on Gottman oriented marriage and couple counselling please visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
John Gottman: The Magic Relationship Ratio
For more information on Gottman based marriage and family therapy please visit my website at www.relatedminds.com
Monday, June 14, 2010
An Introduction to John Gottman: Part 1
John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for over 25 years. (His web page can be found at www.gottman.com) There are many theorist in the field, but John Gottman is one of the few who have written books on marriage and couple therapy, practices marriage and couple therapy and has based his practice on research. Most others write books based upon their "experience," which we know is often wrong, and what they "feel" should work. Gottman does what has been scientifically been show to work!
In the next few blogs I want to review his work. I am going to start today by discussing some of the myths and truths about marital dysfunction.
1. Affairs cause divorces. Almost true. While 20-25% of people in mediation groups say that their spouse having an affair was A reason for their divorce, the major reason for divorce given by 80% was a "deterioration in intimacy."
2. Gender differences cause divorce. Well, as some have pointed out, if this were true we would expect a very high number of divorces in heterosexual couples and near zero with gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian couples are not that lucky. It must be something else!
3. Communications problems cause divorce. Most couples coming to see me, like those coming to see most therapists, say they are having trouble with communication. The truth is distressed people communicate very clearly what they feel and mean. Sometimes too clearly. Therapy sometimes stressed expressing even more, only to further damage the relationship!
4. No "quid pro quo" makes unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Research shows this is not the case for troubled couples, but neither is it for happy couples.
What does the research show?
1. Positivity - positive statements - in happy couples is seen at a rate of 20-1! In couples in conflict its only 5-1. The best way to tell if a couple is getting divorced is to watch the number and quality of the interactions when they are NOT in stress and conflict.
2. Marriage tend to end at two times: at 5-7 years due to conflict; and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy.
3. When it comes to arguments the type of person you are with (an attacker, soother, avoider) is not as important as the MISMATCH between them.
4. And surprise! Most problematic issues (65%) don't get solved, they just get managed. Temper your expectations!
How does this research apply to you? I recommend reading Gottman's book Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work to find out. It will guide you through how to understand this research, and how to make changes in your relationship. Much of this information translates into understanding two kinds of states that marriages can be in: 1) Positive Statement Override, where positive statements and behaviours outweigh negatives by 20-1, and Negative Statement Override where the ration is in favour of the negative, or the positives are below 5-1.
Therapy consists of learning what you can do about this, and in reality you can't confront the negative system override directly. Rather you need to develop and support the infrastructure of the positive override system. In therapy we learn to do this through practicing what are called "softened startups; self soothing;working to improve our "acceptance of influence"; making what are called "repair attempts; learning to de-escalate and compromise; making what are called "bids for affection," and avoiding "gridlock."
Most important, we must learn to avoid what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman: Criticism (what kind of person are you?); Contempt (I would never be so low as to do something like that!); Defensiveness (Yeah:? Well what about what you do?); and finally Stonewalling (shutting down).
In Gottman based therapy we focus on six basic skills: 1) Recognizing and avoiding the 4 Horseman; softening startups; Accepting influence (especially for men, yes, it's true); soothing physio arousal; recognizing and responding to repair attempts and finally compromise. Over the next few posts we will be addressing these skills, but we will follow this outline:
1. How to move from gridlock to dialogue
2. Learn how to recover after a fight
3. Reviewing these six basic social skills we just addressed
4. Making effective repairs
I hope this brief outline I will be offering will get you interested in the work of John Gottman. It's my opinion there is nothing that can help more in most cases. Sometimes couples are not ready for therapy and need to be seen individually first. And sometimes there is so much irrational thinking going on that a short period of individual cognitive behaviour therapy or rational emotive therapy might be the best way to start. See a therapist for help, and if you need to see a psychologist remember that a number of therapist here in BC are both registered psychologist and registered marriage and family therapists. You can locate a family therapist at the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist on their "Therapy Locator." Their licenses and registrations will be specified.
For more information on my practice you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
In the next few blogs I want to review his work. I am going to start today by discussing some of the myths and truths about marital dysfunction.
1. Affairs cause divorces. Almost true. While 20-25% of people in mediation groups say that their spouse having an affair was A reason for their divorce, the major reason for divorce given by 80% was a "deterioration in intimacy."
2. Gender differences cause divorce. Well, as some have pointed out, if this were true we would expect a very high number of divorces in heterosexual couples and near zero with gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian couples are not that lucky. It must be something else!
3. Communications problems cause divorce. Most couples coming to see me, like those coming to see most therapists, say they are having trouble with communication. The truth is distressed people communicate very clearly what they feel and mean. Sometimes too clearly. Therapy sometimes stressed expressing even more, only to further damage the relationship!
4. No "quid pro quo" makes unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Research shows this is not the case for troubled couples, but neither is it for happy couples.
What does the research show?
1. Positivity - positive statements - in happy couples is seen at a rate of 20-1! In couples in conflict its only 5-1. The best way to tell if a couple is getting divorced is to watch the number and quality of the interactions when they are NOT in stress and conflict.
2. Marriage tend to end at two times: at 5-7 years due to conflict; and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy.
3. When it comes to arguments the type of person you are with (an attacker, soother, avoider) is not as important as the MISMATCH between them.
4. And surprise! Most problematic issues (65%) don't get solved, they just get managed. Temper your expectations!
How does this research apply to you? I recommend reading Gottman's book Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work to find out. It will guide you through how to understand this research, and how to make changes in your relationship. Much of this information translates into understanding two kinds of states that marriages can be in: 1) Positive Statement Override, where positive statements and behaviours outweigh negatives by 20-1, and Negative Statement Override where the ration is in favour of the negative, or the positives are below 5-1.
Therapy consists of learning what you can do about this, and in reality you can't confront the negative system override directly. Rather you need to develop and support the infrastructure of the positive override system. In therapy we learn to do this through practicing what are called "softened startups; self soothing;working to improve our "acceptance of influence"; making what are called "repair attempts; learning to de-escalate and compromise; making what are called "bids for affection," and avoiding "gridlock."
Most important, we must learn to avoid what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman: Criticism (what kind of person are you?); Contempt (I would never be so low as to do something like that!); Defensiveness (Yeah:? Well what about what you do?); and finally Stonewalling (shutting down).
In Gottman based therapy we focus on six basic skills: 1) Recognizing and avoiding the 4 Horseman; softening startups; Accepting influence (especially for men, yes, it's true); soothing physio arousal; recognizing and responding to repair attempts and finally compromise. Over the next few posts we will be addressing these skills, but we will follow this outline:
1. How to move from gridlock to dialogue
2. Learn how to recover after a fight
3. Reviewing these six basic social skills we just addressed
4. Making effective repairs
I hope this brief outline I will be offering will get you interested in the work of John Gottman. It's my opinion there is nothing that can help more in most cases. Sometimes couples are not ready for therapy and need to be seen individually first. And sometimes there is so much irrational thinking going on that a short period of individual cognitive behaviour therapy or rational emotive therapy might be the best way to start. See a therapist for help, and if you need to see a psychologist remember that a number of therapist here in BC are both registered psychologist and registered marriage and family therapists. You can locate a family therapist at the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist on their "Therapy Locator." Their licenses and registrations will be specified.
For more information on my practice you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Research Supports Effectiveness of Marriage and Family Therapy / Counselling
The largest clinical trial of couple therapy ever conducted has found that therapy can help even very distressed married couples: if both partners want to improve their marriage. and that is a critical part of the findings.
“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” said Andrew Christensen, the lead author of the study, which appears in the April issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. The couples received up to 26 therapy sessions. Psychologists then conducted follow-up sessions approximately every six months for five years after therapy ended. When the therapy sessions were over, about two-thirds of the couples overall had shown "significant clinical improvement." The study included 134 married couples, 71 in Los Angeles and 63 in Seattle who were in their 30s and 40s. The couples were “chronically, seriously distressed” and fought frequently, but they were hoping to improve their marriages.
so there is hope, if you WANT to work on your marriage. In the next few posts I will look at the work of Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute. Dr. Gottman was one of the first professionals to do scientific studies of couples and what the difference is between couples whose marriages withstand difficult times and those who don't. As a matter of fact Dr. Gottman is able to predict, after an initial interview, where your marriage is going.
Some of the factors that put couples at high risk for divorce are: Marriage at an early age; not graduating from high school; low-income bracket; inter-faith marriage; parents who were divorced; the way you criticize each other; the amount of defensiveness in your marriage; the tendency to withdraw from one another; and what can best be described as "contempt" for each other. These are all signs of you being statistically at higher risk of divorce. But they are also things we can actually do something about. These are things, for the most party, we can change or adapt to. If we want.
Who does well in marriage can couple counselling / therapy?
Young couples; non-sexist couples (yes, there is a reason for a therapist to push that issue!); couples who are still in love; and couples who are open to therapy and change.
In marriage and couple therapy we can help you set goals for what needs to change. We don't try to change your marriage, but instead teach you the skills to communicate your needs and perspectives. All couples experience conflict, most fight and argue! Happy couples know how to handle their disagreements because they have a relationship with a strong foundation of affection and friendship. Unhappy couples simply do not have these skills. But they are skills you can learn, practice and become experts at.
What the research is also clear about is that you shouldn't wait until it's too late. If you think your marriage is in trouble, get help and don't wait. One place you can look for a marriage therapist is through the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). In British Columbia members of the BCAMFT are Clinical Members of AAMFT. Many are also Registered Psychologists or Social Workers. Look for a therapist early.
Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Registered MArriage and Family Therapist. He has offices in Burnaby (close to Coquitlam, Port Moody and New Westminster) and Vancouver. you can find information on his practice at www.relatedminds.com or at his link through AAMFT. He has over twenty years experience as a clinical member of AAMFT.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.998-7975
clinicalpsychology@gmail.com
“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” said Andrew Christensen, the lead author of the study, which appears in the April issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. The couples received up to 26 therapy sessions. Psychologists then conducted follow-up sessions approximately every six months for five years after therapy ended. When the therapy sessions were over, about two-thirds of the couples overall had shown "significant clinical improvement." The study included 134 married couples, 71 in Los Angeles and 63 in Seattle who were in their 30s and 40s. The couples were “chronically, seriously distressed” and fought frequently, but they were hoping to improve their marriages.
so there is hope, if you WANT to work on your marriage. In the next few posts I will look at the work of Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute. Dr. Gottman was one of the first professionals to do scientific studies of couples and what the difference is between couples whose marriages withstand difficult times and those who don't. As a matter of fact Dr. Gottman is able to predict, after an initial interview, where your marriage is going.
Some of the factors that put couples at high risk for divorce are: Marriage at an early age; not graduating from high school; low-income bracket; inter-faith marriage; parents who were divorced; the way you criticize each other; the amount of defensiveness in your marriage; the tendency to withdraw from one another; and what can best be described as "contempt" for each other. These are all signs of you being statistically at higher risk of divorce. But they are also things we can actually do something about. These are things, for the most party, we can change or adapt to. If we want.
Who does well in marriage can couple counselling / therapy?
Young couples; non-sexist couples (yes, there is a reason for a therapist to push that issue!); couples who are still in love; and couples who are open to therapy and change.
In marriage and couple therapy we can help you set goals for what needs to change. We don't try to change your marriage, but instead teach you the skills to communicate your needs and perspectives. All couples experience conflict, most fight and argue! Happy couples know how to handle their disagreements because they have a relationship with a strong foundation of affection and friendship. Unhappy couples simply do not have these skills. But they are skills you can learn, practice and become experts at.
What the research is also clear about is that you shouldn't wait until it's too late. If you think your marriage is in trouble, get help and don't wait. One place you can look for a marriage therapist is through the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). In British Columbia members of the BCAMFT are Clinical Members of AAMFT. Many are also Registered Psychologists or Social Workers. Look for a therapist early.
Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Registered MArriage and Family Therapist. He has offices in Burnaby (close to Coquitlam, Port Moody and New Westminster) and Vancouver. you can find information on his practice at www.relatedminds.com or at his link through AAMFT. He has over twenty years experience as a clinical member of AAMFT.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.998-7975
clinicalpsychology@gmail.com
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Marriage and Family Therapy Blog
Welcome to the Vancouver Marriage and Family Therapy Blog. Here I will try to provide some basic information on current practices in marriage, family and couples therapy, as well as some specific techniques that any couple might find useful to help their relationship grow.
I am a registered marriage and family therapist in British Columbia, as well as a registered psychologist. Additionally I am a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) and have licenses in social work and counselling in several other jurisdictions. I have a private practice in the lower mainland with offices in Burnaby and Vancouver. My Burnaby office is located at Lougheed Mall near Port Coquitlam and New Westminster. You can find out more about my practice at my professional website at www.drjimroche.com or at my Psychology Today site. My office hours include evening and weekends.
The next posting will begin with some basic information on marriage and couple therapy. After that I will try to explain some of the new research in the field of marriage therapy and give an explaination of the work of Dr. John Gottman, a leader in the field of marriage and couple's counselling. If you have any specific questions that you feel would be good for the blog just email me.
Key Words: Marriage therapy, marriage counselling, couples counselling, couples therapy, Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Port Moody, psychologist, counsellor.
I am a registered marriage and family therapist in British Columbia, as well as a registered psychologist. Additionally I am a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) and have licenses in social work and counselling in several other jurisdictions. I have a private practice in the lower mainland with offices in Burnaby and Vancouver. My Burnaby office is located at Lougheed Mall near Port Coquitlam and New Westminster. You can find out more about my practice at my professional website at www.drjimroche.com or at my Psychology Today site. My office hours include evening and weekends.
The next posting will begin with some basic information on marriage and couple therapy. After that I will try to explain some of the new research in the field of marriage therapy and give an explaination of the work of Dr. John Gottman, a leader in the field of marriage and couple's counselling. If you have any specific questions that you feel would be good for the blog just email me.
Key Words: Marriage therapy, marriage counselling, couples counselling, couples therapy, Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Port Moody, psychologist, counsellor.
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