Many therapist in the Northwest use a particular type of therapy called "Gottman Couples Therapy." Unlike some others, Gottman therapy isn't something simply made up, or heavily influenced by a theory. Instead Gottman developed his therapeutic methods by watching and observing couples first hand, through camera and windows at his research centre in Washington state. I really don't know of any other marriage therapy that is so research based rather than theory based.
John Gottman has been conducting this marital therapy research for 25 years, and is a well-respected leader in the field. Gottman has studied what he calls "masters" and "disasters" of marriage, and offers that there are a number of myths about why marriages actually fail that need to be cleared up. Thesauri based upon "theory," which, I have to say, is often just what someone thought and then wrote a book about.
Myths And Truths Of Marital Dysfunction
Myth 1 Affairs cause divorces - 20-25% of mediation groups say an affair was a reason, but the reason given by 80% is deterioration of intimacy. Further, 70% of men and 40% of women had affairs in the 1970's but the numbers are now about equal, largely due to women moving into the work force and having greater access to partners.
Myth 2 Gender differences cause divorce - if this were so, the divorce rate would be 100% for heterosexual couples, and 0% for gay and lesbian couples
Myth 3 Communication problems cause marital conflict - actually, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean
Myth 4 No quid pro quo makes for an unsuccessful marriage - the idea is that doing good things for your partner is contractual on getting good things back; research shows this is not the case for ailing couples, but neither is it the case for happy couples either
You will find these ideas fully explained on the Gottman Institute web page at www.gottman.com
So what is true?
Truth 1 Positivity in interactions in happy couples is 20 to 1, in conflicted couples is 5 to 1, and in soon-to-divorce couples is .8 to 1. Watching a couple interact when they are not in conflict is the best way to predict their risk for divorce
Truth 2 Marriages tend to end at one of two times:
5-7 years due to high conflict
10-12 years due to the loss of intimacy and connection
(there is some disagreement with Gottman on this issue, as marriages certainly end before 5-7 years, as well as between 7 and 10 years, but Gottman argues these are critical or high risk times for marriages)
Truth 3 When it comes to arguments, the type of person one partners with (attacker, soother, avoider) is not so important as the mismatch between the couple:
soothers overwhelm avoiders, and you get the distancer-pursuer dynamic
soothers and attackers have little ability to influence each other, little positive sentiment, and a great deal of emotional tension
avoiders and attackers are the worst pairing, with severe distancer-pursuer dynamic
Truth 4 Most problematic issues (69% in fact) don't get solved, they get "managed."
The Basic Gottman Model
Gottman follows a clear but flexible model:
Here is what to do: Move "Gridlock to Dialogue"
Learn-Teach recovery after a fight - sure, you would prefer they avoid nasty fights, but Gottman has found in his research that fighting in and of itself is not the problem. In fact, couples who do not fight at all are more likely to end up divorced.
Learn-Teach six basic social skills
Recognizing (and avoiding) what he calls the 4 Horsemen
Softening startups of interactions
Accepting influence from your partner (especially for men)
Learn how to sooth physiological arousal (relaxation techniques can help partners calm down during heated arguments, but once they are upset, it may take over 20 minutes for the body to slow itself down to calm levels)
Lear to recognize (and responding to) what Gottman calls "repair attempts" that occur during a conflicted interaction
Learn to compromise
While some of these are technical terms you will learn in Gottman based therapy, or just by reading his books or watching his videos, I bet most of them you could figure out. I suggest you visit his website www.gottman.com, watch some videos available on his website and youtube, and then decide if you'd like a third party - therapist - involved.
Some people come in and do full strength Gottman therapy, usually seeing me weekly for 8-10 weeks, and then some follow up sessions. Some people come in and for one reason or another start couple counselling by having hour or two consult, and go off with their copies of Gottman's books or his self-help DVD set, and come back for "consultations." This isn't easy, but for some its necessary. Finally, some couple come in, learn about Gottman and the process and go off for a weekend or week long training/therapy/consultation session at either the Gottman Institute or with another practitioner who might do weekend long workshop who I suggest.
Whatever you do, I advise you to see a Registered or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist rather than a "counsellor" with little experience or training in the field. Members of the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) are highly trained specialists with graduate degrees focused on marriage and family therapy, usually 2 years of supervised experience and in most locations they have passed professional tests in the field (in BC "clinical counsellors are not members of a regulatory body, nor do they take any qualifying exams). You can learn more about marriage and family therapists at the web site for the BCAMFT (British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy).
If you are interested in seeing me for marriage and family therapy, I am also a licensed and registered psychologist, and costs are usually covered (to some degree) by your medical plan. Please visit my website at www.relatedminds.com or the marriage and family therapy page at http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/
I have offices in Burnaby, Vancouver and Seattle, Washington. Please contact me through my website to set up an appointment.
