I've never been a big fan of John Gray, the author of Men are From Mars and Women, well, you know, VENUS! But often times when sitting in a session, trying to be very focused on teaching John Gottman's theory and doing John Gottman's exercises, I end up telling a story based on what I heard from John Gray.
It's pretty good stuff, and you should take some time to figure out why on your wife's birthday the card is more important than the gift, and on your husband's birthday it's the present that counts.
Enjoy this short video.
For more information on my Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy services, serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster and Port Moody out of my Burnaby office, or information about my Vancouver office, click here. If you need information on how to get to my office, or about other services, click here.
Again, I remind you, if you are looking for a marriage, couple or family therapist your best choice is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in British Columbia. These are individuals with specific training and supervision in working with families. If your insurance carrier will only pay for the services of a Registered Psychologist, you will find a number of RMFTs are also Registered Psychologists.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Does Couple Counselling Work?
Does couple counselling work? That's a hard question to answer because success can mean something very different to one couple than another. What I do know is that if your marriage is having problems, you shouldn't wait too long to seek professional help. Sometimes success is a couple staying together. Sometimes it means breaking up. Sometimes it means breaking up and acting in a decent enough way to each other that the divorce doesn't have detrimental effects on your children. And sometimes it means breaking up and NOT making the same mistakes over and over again in your future relationships. But for most couples who show up at my office door for couple therapy or marriage counselling, their goal is to stay together. So what are your chances of staying together?
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
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