Gottman Couples Counselling

Answering calls from individuals looking for a couples counsellor or marriage therapist I am often asked ifI am a Registered Psychologist, rather than a Marriage and Family Therapist. This is important to many people because their extended health care plans only cover couple's therapy, relation counselling and marriage counselling offered by a Registered Psychologist, and not by a Registered Clinical Counsellor. They often wonder why and the answer is pretty simply: Registered Clinical Counsellors in BC are not actually "Registered" or regulated by the government, as are medical doctors and psychologists. They don't have a regulatory body but instead have an association which they have membership in. This is important to some insurance companies, and not to others, as a quality control issue. But still, I'm surprised so few people ask me about being a "Family Therapist." Here in BC, besides RCCs or "Clinical Counsellors," and Registered Psychologists we have a third important group of trained professionals, "Registered Marriage and Family Therapists" or RMFT. For information on how to find a RMFT near you I recommend visiting the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) at this web site: http://www.bcamft.bc.ca/

One important issue to remember is that if your extended health care will only pay for services from a Registered Psychologist and your after marriage counselling or relationship therapy, many Registered Psychologists are also RMFT here in BC. Cross Registration is not unusual. That may serve as a solution to getting someone who qualifies under your insurance program AND is an expert in marriage and family therapy. Marriage counselling, marriage therapy and family therapy is a separate license in most US states and provinces in Canada because it's a specialized field of practice involving specific training in family therapy, couple counselling and 'systemic" based theory and practice.

The next most frequent question I get about couples counselling and therapy is "Are you trained in the Gottman method?" The Gottman method for marriage and family counselling or therapy is a very specific set of training, theory, practice and expertise. John Gottman began working with couples over 25 years ago, and unlike other counsellors and therapist who came to the problem of working with couples and relationships from a clinical point of view John Gottman started as a researcher and then became a therapist. He moved from theory and science based practice to therapy itself. John Gottman prides himself upon his "scientific" basis for his practice. Not everyone would agree that his research is as important and different from other ways of doing couple's counselling and marriage therapy, but overall after looking at what he has done and comparing it to other theories and practices in counselling it is far more research and science based. Not perfect, but so obviously better.

Because of this many couples want to use the "Gottman technique" in working on their marriages.

His theories would fall under the "communications, negotiation and conflict resolution" school of couple counselling. What you can expect when working with a therapist or counsellor using the Gottman method is  this: "Successful conflict resolution isn't what makes marriages work." That's a somewhat new and different point of view. Most couples come to counselling and therapy expecting that the primary ...sometimes the only goal of counselling and therapy is learn how to solve conflicts successfully. Gottman says there is more to a healthy marriage or relationship than that.

What Gottman actually says is that if you do this simple and basic things your marriage will work, conflicts or no conflicts. That thing is: Increase positive interactions. It's as simple as that, and as hard as that. This is not a new concept, and has been around as part of basic parent education programs for decades. Increasing positive interactions comes BEFORE solving conflict issues because doing this makes the solving easier, more likely and sometimes not even necessary. (Not necessary because the truth is most conflicts in most relationships aren't solved anyway, we most often agree to disagree. When we can't, there are other problems going on and it's not necessarily a problem with communication or conflict resolution -again- because in real life people learn to disagree.)

What are the ways that we can increase the positive interactions in our relationship?  First, Gottman says we need to know each other. We have to learn, or perhaps re-learn and become aware of again - each other's like's and dislikes, wishes, dreams and hopes. We don't have to share these, we need to know our partners. Second, we need to focus on each other's positive qualities (name them, be aware of them), be aware of the positive feelings we have for each other, and what positive experiences we have shared with each other. We do this through completing check lists and structured conversations and interactions. Finally, we need to do these positive interactions frequently, as often as possible. It isn't the big events that bring us together, it's the little things.

Gottman adds some more tradition components to his "Secrets" of successful relationships, including sharing power, communicating respectfully (don't jump in and try to solve things that can't be solved, all that is is a good way to lose respect for each other!), overcome the "gridlock" that is stopping you from moving forward and finally work actively at creating shared meaning (values, attitudes, interests and traditions).

While Gottman's method of marriage therapy and couple therapy may sound a little less radical that he portrays it, it still takes a very different point of view and focus than most traditional methods of couple counselling which are usually focused almost entirely on "communications training."

Gottman's work can be read about in some very useful self help books including his "Seven Secrets to a Successful Marriage." I highly recommend this book, and use it, along with Gottman specific training materials during couple and marriage therapy in my practice in Burnaby and Vancouver. But there is one more point, a warning from a number of therapists. Some therapist feel the greatest factor in couples being unable to use the Gottman materials independently (or to naturally interact as Gottman proposes) is individual psychopathology. One member of a couple may be hypersensitive to comments from the other due to low self esteem or personal history. One member may have ADHD, a learning disability or a difficult time expressing and understanding the emotions of others. One may have depression, an anxiety disorder or a more serious personality issue. For these couples the initial work needs to be one-on-one. Individualized treatment aimed at preparing them to take part in couples counselling or therapy. Sometimes there is simply such an imbalance of power within the relationship that it's impossible for one member to participate until they have skills and tools that make them feel safe and in control of their own destiny and decision making process. These are issues for someone with considerable experience in both couple and individual therapy, as well as using the two together.

For more information on the services I provide as a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in my Vancouver and Burnaby offices please see my web pages at: www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy/
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KEYWORDS: Couple Counselling, Couple Therapy, Marriage Counselling, Marriage Therapy, Registered Psychologist, Gottman, Vancouver, Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Maple Ridge