Infidelity and Couples Therapy (Gottman's Thoughts)

John Gottman points out that it a myth that infidelity, cheating, is the cause of divorce. He reports that 20-25% of people in divorce mediation do say that an affair was a reason for the marriage ending, but THE reason given by nearly 80% of these couples is a "deterioration of intimacy." In fact, researchers (Fisher et al 2009) have found that relationship problems- usually noted as a :deterioration of intimacy" is reported in over 80 percent of cases by men. Other researches have supported this finding. IT starts with a breakdown in the love component of your relationship. The affair is often just the last straw.

There are several other myths about relationships that Gottman addresses in his work and practice as a couples therapist. One big one is that "communications problems" cause marriage problems and conflicts. This sounds good, and sounds simple. The truth is, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean.

What Gottman suggests is that couples are never going to learn to "not communicate" the often hurtful and damaging things they say. Rather, what is important is to learn how to properly argue, disagree and differ in wants, needs, ideas and feelings. It's not what they are doing, we all disagree and get upset, instead it's about HOW they do it. Gottman offers clear, understandable tools for fixing this problem, which doesn't include the typical, " Say everything ...."  Instead it's "say what's appropriate, in a way that shows your still committed to the relationship."  In other words, make each other feel safe, especially when angry.

When you think about this, this is a skill any good parent has. They learn how to set limits, correct and when necessary even punish their children without driving a nail through their self esteem. We need to learn to do that with each other.

In happy couples Gottman's research shows that number of positive interaction to negative interactions is 20-1.  Yes, 20-1. In conflicted couples it 5-1. Maybe you thought 5-1 was good enough? Research says that 5-1 is a dangerous place to be. In soon to be divorced couples it's 8-1.  Unhappy couples tend to have a filter that screens out positive events and makes even neutral events look negative.  You need to learn to increase the number of daily positive interactions between you.  And, going back to the beginning of this submission, you need to figure out how to renew the intimacy between you. To do that Gottman uses what are called "Love Maps."

If your interested in learning more about Dr. Gottman and his techniques, yuou can visit his website or just Google him on YouTube. He has his own YouTube channel! You'll find a good number of videos on his practice.  If your interested in seeing me for marriage therapy, couples counselling or family therapy, feel free to call me. More information is available on my website at http://www.relatedminds.com or on my marriage counselling | family therapy page at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy

I see couples for therapy in both my Vancouver office (serving Vancouver, West Vancouver, North Vancouver and Richmond) and Burnaby (serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Port Moody, Maple Ridge, New Westminster, Langley and Surrey). In addition to being a Registered Psychologist in BC I am also a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist (RMFT) with the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Jim Roche
http://www.psychologists.bc.ca/users/jimroche
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Keywords: Marriage therapy, marriage counselling, couple therapy, couple counselling, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, infidelity, cheating, Gottman, Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster

Counselling | Therapy | Vancouver | Burnaby

About Individual Counselling | Therapy and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
As a registered psychologist I provide therapy and counselling services to individuals in the Burnaby and Vancouver areas using the clinically proven and evidence based techniques of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT). Individuals are seen for a variety of issues including chronic pain, depression, anxiety, stress, panic, anger management, ADHD and work or relationship issues. I hold an advanced certificate in Cognitive Therapy from the Albert Ellis Institute in New York. If you are looking for a cognitive therapist you should ask what training they have in CBT, as many individuals claim they practice CBT after completing only a workshop or reading a book. The Advanced Certificate Program at the Albert Ellis Institute included extensive CBT readings, group and individual training and supervised practice of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy/Rationale Emotive Behaviour Therapy under the supervision of a licensed mental health practitioner. In addition to my practicum at the Ellis Institute I also focused on CBT during my graduate studies and post doctoral internship.

About Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT)My primary mode of practice is rational-emotive/cognitive therapy. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT (including Rational Emotive Therapy) is a highly effective, research driven approach that helps people to combat and overcome such difficulties as high anxiety/stress, panic attacks, depression, anger, relationship problems, phobias, worry, obsessions, compulsions, addictions (food or drugs), social anxiety, sexual problems, ADHD and low self-esteem. The course of treatment is typically short-term (approximately 8-12 sessions), and people often enjoy rapid and enduring relief from their symptoms.

Where are your offices?

Offices are located in Burnaby (providing therapy and counselling services to Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Port Moody, Port Coquitlam, Maple Ridge and, some individuals come from Surrey and Langley) and Vancouver (providing counselling and therapy services to Vancouver, North Vancouver, West Vancouver and some clients from Richmond).

How long does it take to get an appointment?

Counselling and therapy appointments are usually available within a week. Please feel free to call to set up and appointment.

Dr. Jim Roche

778.998-7975

www.relatedminds.com

www.relatedminds.com/individual-therapy/

Counselling for Depression and Anxiety in Burnaby, Coquitlam, Vancouver and New Westminster

DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY COUNSELLING & THERAPY IN VANCOUVER, COQUITLAM, BURNABY and NEW WESTMINSTER, BC

The rates of Depression and Anxiety are increasing all the time. This includes the rates of these disorders for children, adolescents and adults. Depression and Anxiety lead to difficulties at school, work, with friends and in our personal relationships, including couples and marriages. Both of these disorders are treated initially by the medical field with medication. This is often useful, and sometimes necessary, however comprehensive treatment of Depression and Anxiety also calls for psychotherapy. For over 30 years Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been found to be highly effective with both Depression and Anxiety. Most research finds that therapy using both medication and psychotherapy (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is the most effective means of treating Depression and Anxiety.

WHAT IS DEPRESSION?

Sadness, low levels of energy and worry are common to all of us. We all have times of appropriate depressed mood. Depression becomes a problem when these symptoms of Depression become too frequent, start to interfere with our ability to get things done, and begin to take over our thinking patterns. These symptoms can include losing our appetite for life, or even for food that we use to enjoy, intrusive negative thoughts, low engery, weigh changes and changes in our daily habits and activities. We become isolated, lose our ability to tolerate common problems, and start to think in black and white terms about life, or ability to cope, and become consumed with feelings of hopelessness. These are some of the common signs and symptoms of Depression. Some of these symptoms may be caused by other problems, and one should never “self diagnose.” Many of these symptoms of Depression could be a simple problem with low iron, but they can be caused by many other physical issues that you need to have assessed before a diagnosis of depression is made. Start by talking to your family doctor or a psychologist. A medical evaluation is always best practice.  

HOW DOES ANXIETY RELATE TO DEPRESSION?

Anxiety, like depression, has been increasing in frequency for several years. We are not sure why, but the world of work, school and family responsibilities has become more complex as time has gone on. Symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder include an inability to get to sleep, or to stay asleep. Sometimes individuals have extreme reactions of fear or panic to situations that don’t cause these reactions to others. Both Depression and Anxiety can cause difficulty focusing on work, at school or on relationships. Symptoms can range from feelings of worry to increases in heart rate, blood pressure, dizziness, sweating and flushing of the face or hands.  Sometimes these are general symptoms that seem to imbue someone’s entire day, other times they become more specific and targeted and constitute a phobia. Regretfully Anxiety and Depression often occur together, causing an individual to nearly stop in their shoes, afraid to take any action. As with Depression, Anxiety is not something you should self diagnose. You should write out a list of symptoms, and specific situations they may have occurred in, the time of day and so on. Take this list and see your medical doctor. He or she can either help you with a diagnosis of Anxiety or Depression, or they may ask that you see a Registered Psychologist fpor a comprehensive examination and diagnosis. Again, like Depression Anxiety if often treated with medication, however Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has also been found to be highly effective. Best practice is a combination of both medical intervention (or at least observation and monitoring) and therapy.

WHAT CAN I DO?

If you think you suffer from a Depressive Disorder of Anxiety Disorder the first step is always: See your medical doctor and talk it over. If you don’t have a family physician most walk in clinics in Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam and the surrounding areas have general practitioners who are trained to help you. They can walk you through the steps of diagnosis, and make a referral to either a psychologist or psychiatrist if they feel unsure about the diagnosis. If medication is a concern, talk over your concerns directly with your doctor. Write down your questions, copy any articles or other information you may have come across that you find worrying. You doctor can explain the pros and cons of different treatments. Don’t get information about treatment - especially medical treatment - from the internet. Often internet pages provide overblown and negative information about medical treatments in order to sell you something else, which is neither effective nor proven. Be careful. Trust your doctor!

A Registered Psychologist can offer you therapy that specifically addresses both Anxiety and Depression. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has been found to be effective with both Depression and Anxiety. CBT teaches you skills to address immediate symptoms, such as relaxation, thought stopping and “Mindfulness.” CBT also focuses on teaching you new healthier ways to approach problems and conflicts, and helps you change negative, depressive and anxious thoughts to more realistic and helpful ones. Here in BC you will find information on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for anxiety at www.anxietybc.ca  You can also go to another government sponsored website: www.heretohelp.ca for information on CBT for Depression. I provide therapy and counselling for Depression and Anxiety in both my Vancouver and Burnaby offices, which serve Burnaby, Vancouver, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Port Moody and Maple Ridge. This includes treatment for children and adolescents with Depression and Anxiety.

DO I HAVE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY?

Start by talking to your doctor. He or she can help you in determining if you have an Anxiety Disorder or Depression.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your medical doctor you can also talk to a Registered Psychologist. You can find a list of Registered Psychologists in Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam and the surrounding area by contacting the British Columbia Psychological Association. Their website can help you find a psychologist who treats Depression and Anxiety near you. You can, of course, also check my web page and contact me if you’d like. The information is below.

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Vancouver Counselling: Suite 303-338 8th Ave West, Vancouver, BC V5Y3X2

Burnaby and Coquitlam Counselling: 9304A Salish Court, Burnaby, BC V3J7C5

Phone for counselling services in Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster, Port Moody and Coquitlam: 778.998-7975

Copyright 2011/2012 RelatedMinds Psychological and Educational Services - All Rights Reserved

RelatedMinds Psychological Services in Vancouver, Coquitlam and Burnaby

British Columbia. Specializing in the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of depression, anxiety, relationship issues, anger management, learning disabilities, Autism and other related conditions.

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For information on counselling and therapy services in Burnaby, Vancouver, Coquitlam and surrounding areas contact Dr. Roche at: (Office phone) 778.998.7975

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As usual, let me warn you that this blog, any of my other blogs, or my web pages are not designed to provide you with an assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are concerned you have a health issue such as ADHD, anxiety, depression or Asperger's | autism please see your health service provider, either a medical doctor or Registered Psychologist. What may appear to be symptoms of one disorder can often be caused by another unexpected disorder. Other disorders, such as ADHD, are very likely to exist at the same time as another disorder (called co-morbid disorder) such as anxiety, depressing or OCD. You need to see a professional to find this out. On-line symptom checklists will not provide this, and are often misleading.

Services provided in my offices include: (covered by most extended health care insurance)

ADHD (click here:http://www.relatedminds.com/adhd-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/)

Anxiety and Stress (click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/anxiety-stress/)

Autism and Asperger's Disorder (Click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/autism/)

Individual Counselling (click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/individual-therapy/)

Child Counselling / Therapy (click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/child-therapy/)

Testing and Assessments and Learning Disabilities (Click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/testing/)

Couples Counselling / Therapy (click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy/)

The Angry Child (click here: http://www.relatedminds.com/dealing-with-angry-aggressive-and-explosive-children/)

Anger Management (Click here:http://www.relatedminds.com/anger-management/)

Pain Management and PTSD (Click here:http://www.relatedminds.com/pain )

Forensic Services (Independent Medical Examinations or IME)

About Dr. Roche

My name is Dr. Jim Roche and I am a Registered Psychologist and a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist (RMFT) in British Columbia. In addition to my doctorate in clinical psychology, I hold a master's degree in family therapy, a certificate of advanced graduate studies (CAGS) in school and educational psychology from Norwich University, and have completed two years of post doctoral studies in neuro-psychology at The Fielding Institute in Santa Barbara, California. In addition to being a registered psychologist, I am a certified school psychologist, certified teacher of special education (New York and California), and a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). I also hold a doctoral degree in law with an emphasis in medical malpractice and education law. Beyond my academic credentials, I have completed two years of supervised clinical experience in both hospital and community based clinics and two years of post doctoral training in neuropsychology. I have served as director of behaviour programming for several school districts, as a consultant on autism for the province, and have held numerous academic positions including Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry at New York University and Bellevue Hospital in New York as well as being a faculty member at NYU, Brooklyn College, SUNY New Paltz, and Norwich University.

Key words

ADHD | Anxiety and Stress | Autism and Asperger's Disorder | Individual Counselling | Child Therapy | Testing and Assessments and Learning Disabilities | Couples Counselling | Depression | The Angry Child | Anger Management | Pain Management and PTSD | Forensic Services | Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder | Vancouver | Burnaby | Coquitlam | New Westminster | Maple Ridge | Port Moody | Child Psychologist | Psychologist | Learning Disability | Assessment | Testing | Psycho-educational Assessment | Neuropsychological Assessment

http://www.relatedminds.com

http://Therapists.PsychologyToday.com/rms/70682

http://www.therapistlocator.net/member?183420

http://www.bcpsychologist.org/users/jimroche

http://www.actcommunity.net/jim-roche.html