Couple Therapy and Intimacy

Often couples come in and want some basic help with renewing their sense of desire and intimacy. While Dr. John Gottman speaks in detail about the skills we all need to develop and sustain intimacy, and desire. But almost everyone wants something simple, short and clear. One of the best resources I have found for couples have difficulty with intimacy is this Ted talk by Esther Perel. It's about 20 minutes long, and get's right to the point. Clients have overwhelmingly found this helpful. But don't forget to look at the skills and knowledge provided by Dr. Gottman.




For more information on the services I provide as a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, and Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, please visit my web page at http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/

In addition to my Registration as a Marriage and Family Therapist I am also a Registered Psychologist in British Columbia. While MSP does not cover the cost of couples or marriage counselling or therapy, most extended health care services do cover these costs. Please contact your insurance provider for information.

I have offices located in both Burnaby and Vancouver, and provide evening hours for those with complex work schedules. Most information can be found at www.relatedminds.com

Couple and Marriage Therapy: Burnaby / Vancouver

People often come in to my office and scan my book shelf looking for some hint as to what and how I think about relationships. My bookshelf isn't the best place to get that information because I read a lot of books, and don't find all of them very useful. Some things I read about marriage and couple's therapy I find frightening  I originally became licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy in the early 80's. My license was specifically in that field, and so was my training. I trained for a while at the Ackerman Institute in New York, and then studied systemic therapy. Many of the things we did 30 years ago were not evidence based, that is, not scientifically based. In the field of relationship issues many of the leaders in the field worked under someone for years, then developed their own techniques that seemed to work, and then wrote a book about it. And I hate to throw books away, so there are a lot of those books on my selves (although lately I have finally been parting with some.)

For the past few years, actually the past two decades, I've been focused on two major ways of approaching couples and families in therapy. With Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - CBT, and with therapy based upon the work of Dr. John Gottman of Seattle. 

I am not "controlled" or overly "devoted" to a single method of therapy, but I do feel any therapist needs to have a very deep and firm grounding in some theoretical stance. My reasons for using these two methods as my primary way of approaching couples work is simple: these are the two methods most firmly grounded in evidence. Both of these methods have undergone examination and testing and show reasonable levels of success. Many others that you read or hear about have not.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

I don't stick with one method of doing couples therapy because couples often arrive at my office in very different states. Some Registered Marriage and Family Therapists would NEVER see on member of a couple alone, and would always insist on seeing them together. This is a "theoretical" decision on their part. I don't follow theory to that degree as sometimes one member of a couple may not be ready for couples therapy, and at other times the relationship is too fragile to expose the issues at the moment. Sometimes one member of a couple may need Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to get a handle on their irrational thinking processes before we can even begin meeting together (and sometimes I work with one member of a couple and send them to someone else for couples work). Sometimes we need to engage in psychoeducation - as I often work with couples where one member has Aspeger's Disorder or another cognitive disorder. Sometimes one member of the couple, or both, need to develop anger management skills before we can work together. For these reasons I often find myself using cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) with couples in therapy, either before couples therapy starts, in in conjunction with couples therapy.

An excellent book on couple's therapy from a CBT perspective is Beck's "Love is Never Enough." But honestly, it's a long and difficult book for some.  Still, understanding the work of Dr. Aaron Beck is a good place to start.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy

For most couples I suggest reading one of two books by John Gottman 1) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and 2) "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail."  These are excellent books that include exercises for couples to engage in help you both analyze your own relationship and apply specific skills to fixing it. These are short, easy to read books, and there are CD and audible.com versions to listen to if you prefer to listen.

The Gottman Method Couples Therapy is an evidence based form of therapy that is delivered in a fairly structured manner so as to attain goals outlined in the therapeutic environment. It helps couples in achieving a deeper sense of understanding, awareness, empathy, and connectedness within their relationships that ultimately leads to heightened intimacy and interpersonal growth. This is a simple process, but one that many couples will find essential to success in their relationship.

By combining therapeutic interventions with evidence based exercises, couples develop the tools necessary to remove the natural walls and defenses that hinder and prohibit effective communication and, most important, bonding. 

Goals and Principles of the Gottman Method

The principle goals of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication, to increase intimacy, respect, and affection, to remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and to create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship. The Gottman web page explains this in detail.

Length of Therapy

I often suggest that couples come in weekly for 3-4 weeks, and then every other week for about 6-10 sessions. The number of sessions depends greatly on individual needs.

Cost of Therapy

Couples therapy costs $175.00 per session. While MSP does not cover this cost most extended health care plans do cover some or all. Speak with your provider to find out what they will cover. Most plans will not cover the services of a registered clinical counsellor or register marriage and family therapist. I am both a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and a Registered Psychologist, therefore most insurance providers will cover the cost of my services.

For more information on marriage therapy or couples / relationship counselling please contact me through my web page at:

http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/

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