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Is Gottman Family or Couple Therapy right for you?
I almost always recommend the Gottman books to my patients, These range from: The Relationship Cure to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How you Can Make Yours Last. These are great books to go along with the couples or marriage therapy that I provide, and a nice thing is they are also available in audio format for that member of the family you are simply not going to get to read this materials.
Gottman provides a great outline and schema to understand relationships and communications that isn't burdened down with outmoded theories as some other couples therapies are. And they are backed by some research. Not the best research in the world, but honestly, the best research in the field. Before learning about Gottman Couples Therapy I studied in New York with Harvelle Hendricks and welcomes what was a less "psychoanalytic" approach, and one that was based upon real data, not just individual observations and ...well...thinking stuff up.
Still, when couples come in for counselling often they are just not ready to engage in Gottman Therapy. The reasons can vary: Some of the couples I see have ADHD as a contributing factor - a powerful factor - to their relationship problems. Others have similar cognitive problems. I see many couples where one had Asperger's Disorder or autism spectrum disorder. These couples, with ADHD and Aspergers, need psychoeducation on the nature of these disorders, and then specific skill training in the area of concern. Regretfully a number of family therapists without sufficient knowledge and experience dealing with /ADHD or Asperger's Disorder still see these couples rather than referring them on to someone experienced in the field. Part of that is there are very few family counsellors or psychologists with both expertise in family or couples therapy AND ADHD or Aspergers.
Often with these couples Gottman Therapy would be inappropriate, and sometimes couple's therapy is inappropriate as well, and I see one member of the couple for several weeks and then work with the couple together to see how my interventions have helped, and to provide ongoing support for the member without ADHD or Asperger's. A lot of that involves psychoeducation and behavioural planning.
Another group for whom Gottman Family or Couples Therapy might not be appropriate are couples where one member has significant mental health issues, or anger management issues. In these cases I often see the partners separately and work on behavioural training in anger management, cognitive therapy and sometimes issues relating to more severe problems such as bipolar disorder or depression. It's not uncommon for me to have the couple's family doctor make a referral for one member to the UBC or other Mood Clinic and to a psychiatrist for help with more severe mood or cognitive distortions that make couples work inappropriate at the moment. Make sure your therapist is not afraid of making appropriate referrals. Not all problems can be dealt with by addressing issues within the couple or issues of communication. Often that can lead to frustration and further problems.
What alternatives are there for others with mild issues of mood such as depression, anxiety, anger or stress? Many couples with these issues come in and I see one partner individually for CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - using materials and skills from Aaron Beck, Judith Beck and other well know cognitive behavioural therapists who have experience working with both individuals and couples. This is often the best path to go.
And Gottman? I almost always still suggest using Gottmans Couple Therapy books or audio programs, watching the Gottman Institutes many videos and still working on those issues that make a marriage or any relationship last. But sticking to one approach, and seeing every problem through the lens of couples therapy and communications, isn't always the best thing.
For more information on my services, please feel free to contact me through one of the web pages above. As always, this blog, and what I write here, is not meant to be medical or psychological advise. It serves as information to help you understand choices and what is available. See your family doctor or a registered psychologist if you need help with any relational or mental health issue.
