Children, Behaviour Problems and Couples Therapy: Which First?

Often couples come in to see me who are having problems both with their relationship and with their children's behaviour. "Which should we work on first?" is often the question. Well, it's hard to say, but I do know you can't get anywhere working on your children's behaviour issues while your fighting. So, generally I think it's relationship, then kids.

That doesn't mean that you should wait for your relationship to be fixed before you begin working on the kids. There are some simple techniques that will help improve things quickly, and working on these issues will be a good place for you and your spouse to try out your new couples and communications skills.

For those who are not familiar with my programs for children I do a considerable amount of child and adolescent therapy. This usually includes seeing the children briefly, so that I have a fairly good idea of how they are doing, and then training the parents. This is what works best, because parents spend the most time with their children and will have the greatest chance of effecting change.

Often initial child therapy involves developing some interactions skills that will come in useful. I often recommend Dr. Ross Greens book "The Explosive Child" in order to understand how to soften and reduce the frequency of temper tantrums. Yes, these are also good skills to use with each other, and even for couples without children I sometimes recommend this book! Next we try to develop a comprehensive behaviour plan that includes ignoring, as much as humanly possible, inappropriate behaviours, and reinforcing new appropriate behaviours. That means understanding why your child does something, and knowing what the "function" of the behaviour is. We then try to teach the child a new functionally equivalent replacement behaviour which still gets the child what he or she needs or wants, but to do it in an appropriate way. You may be thinking, well, maybe that's what we should be doing with each other as well. You right if that's what your thinking.

Often marriage or couple therapy is about developing a deeper understanding of the needs of the other, and together developing new appropriate ways to meet those needs. That goes for you, your spouse or your child.

If you would like to know more about family or marriage counselling please go to my web page at www.relatedminds.com If your having particular trouble with your child, especially one who has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism or other problems, you could go directly to my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website at www.adhdhelp.ca Finally, you can find out more about me at my Psychology Today web site by clicking here.

You can set up an appointment for my Burnaby office by calling 778.9980-7975 My Burnaby office serves Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New West Minster and Maple Ridge. I also have offices in Vancouver. You will find a map to my office on my website.

ADHD and Marriage

Almost 1/3 of my marriage and couple referrals involve issues in a relationship that are related to possible ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Often "You don't listen to me!" "You forget everything!" and "You just can't be relied on..." problems are related to issues of Executive Dysfunction in one or maybe both partners. And inability to follow-through, plan, initiate and even more important, control your emotions is often a signal that there may be an issue of executive deficit or dysfunction, similar too ADHD, that needs to be looked at.

Often I ask couples to complete some short self report forms that help me in a diagnostic process called "differential diagnosis." That means not immediately focusing on what everyone thinks is the problem but also looking at other possible causes.

This investigation can often lead us to teaching specific skills to compensate for deficits, and providing education to the other spouse about what may be at the heart of their problem. An inability to change behaviour can also be a frontal lobe or executive problem, and there are skills and interventions we can implement to work on those. What's most important is to understand that procrastination, messiness, disorder and inability to make changes can be signs of more than a relationship issue. They may be something that causes the relationship issue but also something that needs an intervention separate from our usual family systems intervention.

Be open minded, and be willing to look at all possible causes of your problems. Sometimes fixing these issues first makes fixing your relationship easier.

You can visit my web site at www.RelatedMinds.com by clicking here. Or you can look at my Psychology Today website.