Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Burnaby and Vancouver, British Columbia. He has just expanded his office hours and moved to two new locations. Dr. Roche provides cognitive behavioural therapy, Gottman based Marriage and Family Therapy and couple's therapy. He has been licensed in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy for over 25 years. Serves are usually covered by extended health care plans.
For further information please visit his web page at www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/
Showing posts with label couple therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label couple therapy. Show all posts
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Marriage and Family Counselling | Burnaby | Vancouver | Coquitlam
Gottman based Couple and Family Therapy is available, along with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in my offices in Burnaby and Vancouver. Gottman Therapy is a structured approach to changing behaviour and communication style between members of a couple or family. I highly advices Dr. Gottman's recent books: "The Seven Principals for Maring Marriage Work," and "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail." Both of these books are available in book form or through Audible.com if you'd rather listen on your iPod, phone or other device.
CBT- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is another approach often used in my office, either by itself or in combination with Gottman techniques for couple therapy or counselling. Some patients have found Dr. Aaron Beck's "Love is Never Enough" to be very helpful. This book on couple's counselling/therapy comes from a much more behavioural point of view.
Finally, in my office I see a number of couples who have issues relating to Aspger's Disorder as a central concern. I have been working with young adults and adults with Aspeger's for over twenty years, first starting in California working with Michelle Garcia Winner. While there is a limited number of books for adults with Asperger's Disorder David Finch's book, "The Journal of Best Practices," which is a "memoir of marriage, Asperger's Syndrome and one man's quest to be a better husband" has been found to be very useful. I also spend a great deal of time working with couples with ADHD, OCD and related cognitive disorders, making use of my post graduate training in neuropsychology as well as marriage/couple and family therapy. In addition to being a registered and licensed psychologist I am additionally a registered marriage and family therapist and Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and a Clinical Member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (Counsellors)/
For more information please visit my web page below, and feel free to call my office. Other sites which have information about my practice are also listed below.
Dr. Jim Roche
relatedminds (at) gmail.com
You can find me at any of the following pages:
CBT- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is another approach often used in my office, either by itself or in combination with Gottman techniques for couple therapy or counselling. Some patients have found Dr. Aaron Beck's "Love is Never Enough" to be very helpful. This book on couple's counselling/therapy comes from a much more behavioural point of view.
Finally, in my office I see a number of couples who have issues relating to Aspger's Disorder as a central concern. I have been working with young adults and adults with Aspeger's for over twenty years, first starting in California working with Michelle Garcia Winner. While there is a limited number of books for adults with Asperger's Disorder David Finch's book, "The Journal of Best Practices," which is a "memoir of marriage, Asperger's Syndrome and one man's quest to be a better husband" has been found to be very useful. I also spend a great deal of time working with couples with ADHD, OCD and related cognitive disorders, making use of my post graduate training in neuropsychology as well as marriage/couple and family therapy. In addition to being a registered and licensed psychologist I am additionally a registered marriage and family therapist and Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and a Clinical Member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (Counsellors)/
For more information please visit my web page below, and feel free to call my office. Other sites which have information about my practice are also listed below.
Dr. Jim Roche
relatedminds (at) gmail.com
You can find me at any of the following pages:
Monday, May 26, 2014
Couples Therapy | Marriage Counselling | Burnaby | Vancouver
Dr. Jim Roche provides marriage and couple therapy / counselling in his offices in Burnaby and Vancouver. Dr. Roche is both a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, as well as a Clinical Member and Fellow of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has over 25 hers experience in the field working with couples and families in therapy.
Dr. Roche is trained in systemic therapy, as well as the Gottman Therapy Method. He provides therapy for those who feel stuck in their relationships, and want to learn and explore new skills and ways of communication.
Marriage and Couples Therapy can be used to address:
Problems with communication
Anger issues
Sexual difficulties
Conflicts about child rearing
Substance abuse
Infidelity
Divorce or separation issues
The Gottman Couples/Marriage Therapy method addresses several similar issues:
Increasing respect, affection and closeness between you
Learning techniques to break through and resolve conflicts when you feel stuck
Gaining a better understanding of who each of you are in the relationship
Learning how to keep conflict discussions calm
and How to maintain improvements in your relationships.
Couple or marriage therapy usually starts with two or three weekly sessions during which we assess the situation and determine mutual goals, and then weekly every other week sessions using skills and reviewing their use in the relationship.
Two books I highly recommend reading (or at least reviewing) before coming to therapy include, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," and "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.
For more information about setting up an appointment for marriage therapy or couples counselling please visit my website at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/ or www.relatedminds.com
Dr. Roche is trained in systemic therapy, as well as the Gottman Therapy Method. He provides therapy for those who feel stuck in their relationships, and want to learn and explore new skills and ways of communication.
Marriage and Couples Therapy can be used to address:
Problems with communication
Anger issues
Sexual difficulties
Conflicts about child rearing
Substance abuse
Infidelity
Divorce or separation issues
The Gottman Couples/Marriage Therapy method addresses several similar issues:
Increasing respect, affection and closeness between you
Learning techniques to break through and resolve conflicts when you feel stuck
Gaining a better understanding of who each of you are in the relationship
Learning how to keep conflict discussions calm
and How to maintain improvements in your relationships.
Couple or marriage therapy usually starts with two or three weekly sessions during which we assess the situation and determine mutual goals, and then weekly every other week sessions using skills and reviewing their use in the relationship.
Two books I highly recommend reading (or at least reviewing) before coming to therapy include, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," and "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.
For more information about setting up an appointment for marriage therapy or couples counselling please visit my website at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/ or www.relatedminds.com
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Couple and Marriage Therapy in Vancouver | Burnaby
Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist providing counselling and therapy to individuals, couples and families in Burnaby and Vancouver. Dr. Roche also provides parent education/training for parents dealing with behavioural problems, including those relating to ADHD and ASD or Aspeger's Disorder. He also specializes in working with adults and couples where one or both of the couple have ASD or Aspeger's Disorder. He has been working in the field for over 20 years.
For more information on Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy visit Dr. Roches web page at www.relatedminds.com or the web page for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapists.
For more information on Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy visit Dr. Roches web page at www.relatedminds.com or the web page for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapists.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Couple Counselling and Marriage Counselling: Beginning with Gottman Couples Therapy
Where to start with Gottman Couples Therapy? I often suggest at our first couples/marriage therapy session that both members take a look through John Gottman's YouTube page and view several videos. Reading a book, especially while having relational problems, isn't easy. And sometimes when we are reading about about behaviour, and we are reading it because of problems we are having with our spouse, we read and do little more than find what's wrong with them! - watching these videos, together - can be helpful.
Having trouble in a relationship means examining both yourself and the relationship. A difficult thing to do. And it means making some behavioural changes NOW, because our partners expect us to make some effort...right away. And they are watching. And trying to make changes themselves. All of this can be difficult and usually calls for the coaching and guidance of a professional training in couple and marriage therapy.
Still, watching the video of John Gottman and his wife working through these issues with others can be very helpful, and you will feel the support of having others in the same place as you...moving forward.
This video is only one of several on the internet. There are also videos that are more comprehensive and come in a "marriage and family workshop" format that formally walk you through the important steps of therapy. As a marriage and family therapist it is my goal to help you find resource and skills you can use on your own to address problems not only now, but in the future, and I work as quickly as possible at moving you from weekly sessions to a more informal coaching relationship were you can work on your relationship or marriage on your own. These videos are a great place to start.
In marriage or couples therapy sessions we work through many of the issues you will hear about on these videos. We also focus, intensely, on changing they way you interact and communicate in yor relationship.
Other books and videos I suggest about Marriage and Couples counselling can be found at my Amazon.ca Book List. Click here Dr. Roche Book Suggestions
Finally, for more information about my services, not only as a Registered Psychologist but also as a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist you can visit my web site directly at this link: Dr. Jim Roche at RelatedMinds My American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy site is located at this link: AAMFT.
For those viewing the videos I also share an outline to help you understand the terms and components of what Dr. Gottman is speaking about.
Feel free to contact me for more information.
Dr. Jim Roche
Thursday, September 26, 2013
About Couple Counselling and Marriage Therapy
I am often asked about the differences between a Psychologist and a Marriage and Family Therapist ( I am licensed | Registered in both fields). You can find this information on the web page of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists here:
http://www.aamft.org/imis15/Content/About_AAMFT/Qualifications.aspx
.................................................
What are the qualifications to be a Marriage and Family Therapist?
Marriage and family therapy is a distinct professional discipline with graduate and post graduate programs. Three options are available for those interested in becoming a marriage and family therapist: master's degree (2-3 years), doctoral program (3-5 years), or post-graduate clinical training programs (3-4 years). Historically, marriage and family therapists have come from a wide variety of educational backgrounds including psychology, psychiatry, social work, nursing, pastoral counseling and education.
The Federal government has designated marriage and family therapy as a core mental health profession along with psychiatry, psychology, social work and psychiatric nursing. Currently all 50 states support and regulate the profession by licensing marriage and family therapists with the remaining states in the process of obtaining licensure laws.
The regulatory requirements in most states are substantially equivalent to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Clinical Membership standards. After graduation from an accredited program, a period - usually two years - of post-degree supervised clinical experience is necessary before licensure or certification. When the supervision period is completed, the therapist can take a state licensing exam, or the national examination for marriage and family therapists conducted by the AAMFT Regulatory Boards. This exam is used as a licensure requirement in most states and provinces.
Who are Marriage and Family Therapists?
Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are mental health professionals trained in psychotherapy and family systems, and licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems.
Marriage and family therapists are a highly experienced group of practitioners, with an average of 13 years of clinical practice in the field of marriage and family therapy. They evaluate and treat mental and emotional disorders, other health and behavioral problems, and address a wide array of relationship issues within the context of the family system.
Marriage and Family Therapists broaden the traditional emphasis on the individual to attend to the nature and role of individuals in primary relationship networks such as marriage and the family. MFTs take a holistic perspective to health care; they are concerned with the overall, long-term well-being of individuals and their families.
MFTs have graduate training (a Master's or Doctoral degree) in marriage and family therapy and at least two years of clinical experience. Marriage and family therapists are recognized as a "core" mental health profession, along with psychiatry, psychology, social work and psychiatric nursing.
Since 1970 there has been a 50-fold increase in the number of marriage and family therapists. At any given time they are treating over 1.8 million people.
What is Marriage and Family Therapy?
A family's patterns of behavior influences the individual and therefore may need to be a part of the treatment plan. In marriage and family therapy, the unit of treatment isn't just the person - even if only a single person is interviewed - it is the set of relationships in which the person is imbedded.
A family's patterns of behavior influences the individual and therefore may need to be a part of the treatment plan. In marriage and family therapy, the unit of treatment isn't just the person - even if only a single person is interviewed - it is the set of relationships in which the person is imbedded.
Marriage and family therapy is:
- brief
- solution-focused
- specific, with attainable therapeutic goals
- designed with the "end in mind."
Marriage and family therapists treat a wide range of serious clinical problems including: depression, marital problems, anxiety, individual psychological problems, and child-parent problems.
Research indicates that marriage and family therapy is as effective, and in some cases more effective than standard and/or individual treatments for many mental health problems such as: adult schizophrenia, affective (mood) disorders, adult alcoholism and drug abuse, children's conduct disorders, adolescent drug abuse, anorexia in young adult women, childhood autism, chronic physical illness in adults and children, and marital distress and conflict.
Marriage and family therapists regularly practice short-term therapy; 12 sessions on average. Nearly 65.6% of the cases are completed within 20 sessions, 87.9% within 50 sessions. Marital/couples therapy (11.5 sessions) and family therapy (9 sessions) both require less time than the average individuated treatment (13 sessions). About half of the treatment provided by marriage and family therapists is one-on-one with the other half divided between marital/couple and family therapy, or a combination of treatments.
Why use a Marriage and Family Therapist?
Research studies repeatedly demonstrate the effectiveness of marriage and family therapy in treating the full range of mental and emotional disorders and health problems. Adolescent drug abuse, depression, alcoholism, obesity and dementia in the elderly -- as well as marital distress and conflict -- are just some of the conditions Marriage and Family Therapists effectively treat.
Studies also show that clients are highly satisfied with services of Marriage and Family Therapists. Clients report marked improvement in work productivity, co-worker relationships, family relationships, partner relationships, emotional health, overall health, social life, and community involvement.
In a recent study, consumers report that marriage and family therapists are the mental health professionals they would most likely recommend to friends. Over 98 percent of clients of marriage and family therapists report therapy services as good or excellent.
After receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health, and nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health. A majority of clients report an improvement in their functioning at work, and over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship. When a child is the identified patient, parents report that their child's behavior improved in 73.7% of the cases, their ability to get along with other children significantly improved and there was improved performance in school. Marriage and family therapy's prominence in the mental health field has increased due to its brief, solution-focused treatment, its family-centered approach, and its demonstrated effectiveness. Marriage and family therapists are licensed in 46 states and are recognized by the federal government as members of a distinct mental health discipline.
Today more than 50,000 marriage and family therapists treat individuals, couples, and families nationwide. Membership in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has grown from 237 members in 1960 to more than 23,000 in 1996. This growth is a result, in part, of renewed public awareness of the value of family life and concern about the increased stresses on families in a rapidly changing world.
How can I find a Marriage and Family Therapist?
AAMFT Clinical Members meet stringent training and education requirements that qualify them for the independent practice of marriage and family therapy. AAMFT requires Clinical Members to abide by the AAMFT Code of Ethics, the most stringent ethical code in the marriage and family therapy profession. This code delineates specific ethical behavior and guidelines for members to follow to ensure the ethical treatment of clients. Clinical Membership in the AAMFT signifies an MFT's dedication to his or her ongoing professional development. Each month, AAMFT Clinical Members receive important updates on current clinical and research developments in the field, as well as numerous opportunities throughout the year to attend professional development conferences.
Click here to find a Marriage and Family Therapist today!
I have been practicing in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, providing couple, individual and family therapy for over 25 years. Visit my web site for information about my qualifications and services at: www.relatedminds.com
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Marriage and Family Therapy: What's a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist?
Today I got another email asking for a psychologist who does "marriage therapy." I get these all the time and I try to redirect couples or families to the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists where they will find a psychologist whio is also a marriage and family therapist. Why do I do this? Because marriage and family therapy is a distict profession. It's different than social work, counselling or psychology - although any of these individuals might have expertise in counselling couples or families. Here is what the Canadian Association of Marriage and Family Therapy says on their web page:
"Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) is a distinct mental health discipline which utilizes family systems theories and intervention techniques, and is one of the five core mental health professions: marriage and family therapy, psychiatry, psychology, social work and psychiatric nursing."
It's not just a course or workshop another counselling professional has taken, it is a separate and distinct field of practice. The Canadian site goes on to say:
"Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT) are family-focused psychotherapists. They are relationship specialists and mental health generalists, and are trained to help individuals, couples, and families resolve personal and work related problems. Members have training in the development stages of personal, family and relationship growth. RMFT’s are held to the demanding Code of Ethics of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and are Clinical Fellows of the AAMFT and the Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists in Canada."
"Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT) are family-focused psychotherapists. They are relationship specialists and mental health generalists, and are trained to help individuals, couples, and families resolve personal and work related problems. Members have training in the development stages of personal, family and relationship growth. RMFT’s are held to the demanding Code of Ethics of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and are Clinical Fellows of the AAMFT and the Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists in Canada."
That means they have a separate graduate degree focused on the theories and skills of marriage therapy. This is usually a two or three year graduate program leading to an MA or MS degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition to that they have one or two full time years of supervised experience practicing marriage and family therapy. Many other professionals providing counselling to couples and families have completed a few courses or workshop, and worked with a few couples during their internship. A marriage and family therapist -here in BC called a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, have one or two years of focused work in coupoles and family therapy. That's a big difference.
To find a Registered Marriage or Family Therapist here in BC go to the web site of the British Columbia Associate or Marriage and Family Therapists at: http://www.bcamft.bc.ca/ohana/website/index.cfm?p=95575656796
You will find the "Therapist Locator" on that page. Many BCAMFT members are not only family therapists but Registered Psychologists as well. If your insurance will only pay for a registered psychologist (something you may find they are flexible about if you call) you can get the benefits of seeing a fully trained marriage and family therapist and a Registered Psychologist all at once!
For information about my services as a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, as well as a Registered Psychologist, please visit my website at www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/
More information from the Canadian Association of Marriage and Family Therapists:
| Services provided by Marriage & Family Therapists include; |
Locate a therapist anywhere in Canada or the USA click here. |
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Self-Help Book for Relationships and Couples
I thought it might be a good idea to repost this blog about self-help books for couples:
If your looking for a good self help book instead of marriage counselling, here is one I can recommend: Why Marriages Succeed and Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman. Many couples need the help of a registered marriage and family therapist, but this book is useful for anyone, including those who decide to see therapist of counsellor. Here is the book at Amazon.ca:
<a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=pd_sim_b_1/701-7522828-1360365?ie=UTF8&qid=1189021726&s">http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=pd_sim_b_1/701-7522828-1360365?ie=UTF8&qid=1189021726&s</a>
The book is by marriage researcherDr. John Gottman. It's described as "upbeat, easy-to-follow manual based on research into the dynamics of married couples. Gottman describes his studies as being akin to a CAT scan of a living relationship and asserts that he's been able to predict the future of marriages with an accuracy rate of over 90 percent. In 1983 and 1986, his research team monitored more than a hundred married couples in Indiana and Illinois with electrodes, video cameras, and microphones as they attempted to work out real conflicts. Using the information derived from these sessions, Gottman concludes here that a lasting relationship results from a couple's ability to resolve conflicts through any of the three styles of problem-solving that are found in healthy marriages- -validating, conflict-avoiding, and volatile. Numerous self-quizzes help couples determine the style that best suits them. Gottman points out, however, that couples whose interactions are marked by four characteristics--criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal--are in trouble, and he includes self-tests for diagnosing these destructive tactics, as well as steps for countering them. Interestingly, Gottman asserts that the basis of a stable marriage can be expressed mathematically: the ratio of positive to negative moments must be at least 5:1--and he offers a four-step program for breaking through negativity and allowing one's natural communication and problem-solving abilities to flourish. Mathematics and science aside, there's plenty of old- fashioned, helpful, and worthwhile advice here about gender differences, realistic expectations, love, and respect--advice that may appeal especially to those who enjoy taking quizzes and analyzing relationships."
If you love your mate, and your relationship just seems to be going off track, and becoming less and less important to you, this is THE book for you. As the author above describes, Gottman's book is one of the very few relationship books that is actually based on science. There are many theories, but most are ...it may seem hard to imagine...just made up! Yes, people look at a situation and develop a theory, and then a practice, on what they think is right, with no research to back up their ideas, or the treatment you are exposed to. Gottman bases his suggestions on scientific observations and years of research. The ideas on how to strengthen your relationship are easy to follow, clearly laid out and presented in a step by step manner. Those of us who practice marriage and family therapy often use both his books and his many packets of clinical material to help guide couples through this learning process in a supportive and direct manner. In the book you will learn: That more sex doesn't necessarily improve a marriage, Frequent arguing will not lead to divorce, Financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship, Wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years, There is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments -- and there's a way around it
Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize attitudes that doom a relationship, which he calls "The Four Horsemen" - contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and provides you with readings, exercises, role plays, tips and easy to use techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. Through reading and practicing his suggestions you can avoid patterns that lead to divorce.
About Dr. Roche:
Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Vancouver and Burnaby, BC. He has been in practice for over 25 years and uses Dr. John Gottman's programs and techniques, as well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, when working with couples and families. For more information about his marriage therapy practice check out his web page at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy/
Other information about Dr. Roche can be found at: <a href="http://relatedmnds.com">www.relatedminds.com</a> or <a href="http://www.relatedminds.com/adhd">www.relatedminds.com/adhd</a>. Other information on my practice can be found at: <a href="http://Therapists.Psychologytoday.com/70682">http://Therapists.Psychologytoday.com/70682</a>, http://www.bcpsychologist.org/users/jimroche or <a href="http://psyris.com/drjimroche">http://psyris.com/drjimroche</a>.
If your looking for a good self help book instead of marriage counselling, here is one I can recommend: Why Marriages Succeed and Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman. Many couples need the help of a registered marriage and family therapist, but this book is useful for anyone, including those who decide to see therapist of counsellor. Here is the book at Amazon.ca:
<a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=pd_sim_b_1/701-7522828-1360365?ie=UTF8&qid=1189021726&s">http://www.amazon.ca/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=pd_sim_b_1/701-7522828-1360365?ie=UTF8&qid=1189021726&s</a>
The book is by marriage researcherDr. John Gottman. It's described as "upbeat, easy-to-follow manual based on research into the dynamics of married couples. Gottman describes his studies as being akin to a CAT scan of a living relationship and asserts that he's been able to predict the future of marriages with an accuracy rate of over 90 percent. In 1983 and 1986, his research team monitored more than a hundred married couples in Indiana and Illinois with electrodes, video cameras, and microphones as they attempted to work out real conflicts. Using the information derived from these sessions, Gottman concludes here that a lasting relationship results from a couple's ability to resolve conflicts through any of the three styles of problem-solving that are found in healthy marriages- -validating, conflict-avoiding, and volatile. Numerous self-quizzes help couples determine the style that best suits them. Gottman points out, however, that couples whose interactions are marked by four characteristics--criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal--are in trouble, and he includes self-tests for diagnosing these destructive tactics, as well as steps for countering them. Interestingly, Gottman asserts that the basis of a stable marriage can be expressed mathematically: the ratio of positive to negative moments must be at least 5:1--and he offers a four-step program for breaking through negativity and allowing one's natural communication and problem-solving abilities to flourish. Mathematics and science aside, there's plenty of old- fashioned, helpful, and worthwhile advice here about gender differences, realistic expectations, love, and respect--advice that may appeal especially to those who enjoy taking quizzes and analyzing relationships."
If you love your mate, and your relationship just seems to be going off track, and becoming less and less important to you, this is THE book for you. As the author above describes, Gottman's book is one of the very few relationship books that is actually based on science. There are many theories, but most are ...it may seem hard to imagine...just made up! Yes, people look at a situation and develop a theory, and then a practice, on what they think is right, with no research to back up their ideas, or the treatment you are exposed to. Gottman bases his suggestions on scientific observations and years of research. The ideas on how to strengthen your relationship are easy to follow, clearly laid out and presented in a step by step manner. Those of us who practice marriage and family therapy often use both his books and his many packets of clinical material to help guide couples through this learning process in a supportive and direct manner. In the book you will learn: That more sex doesn't necessarily improve a marriage, Frequent arguing will not lead to divorce, Financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship, Wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years, There is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments -- and there's a way around it
Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize attitudes that doom a relationship, which he calls "The Four Horsemen" - contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and provides you with readings, exercises, role plays, tips and easy to use techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. Through reading and practicing his suggestions you can avoid patterns that lead to divorce.
About Dr. Roche:
Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Vancouver and Burnaby, BC. He has been in practice for over 25 years and uses Dr. John Gottman's programs and techniques, as well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, when working with couples and families. For more information about his marriage therapy practice check out his web page at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy/
Other information about Dr. Roche can be found at: <a href="http://relatedmnds.com">www.relatedminds.com</a> or <a href="http://www.relatedminds.com/adhd">www.relatedminds.com/adhd</a>. Other information on my practice can be found at: <a href="http://Therapists.Psychologytoday.com/70682">http://Therapists.Psychologytoday.com/70682</a>, http://www.bcpsychologist.org/users/jimroche or <a href="http://psyris.com/drjimroche">http://psyris.com/drjimroche</a>.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Self-Help Ideas for couples
I've just put a new post on my RelatedMinds website blog. Click here to find the post: CLICK HERE
This post reviews a couple of the more useful, and scientifically based, self-help programs for couples who are considering a self-help approach rather than couples counselling / therapy or marriage counselling / therapy. The suggestions are based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the few scientifically - research based marriage and relationship counselling programs available.
Dr. Jim Roche
Registered Psychologist
Registered Marriage and Family Therapist
778.998-7975
This post reviews a couple of the more useful, and scientifically based, self-help programs for couples who are considering a self-help approach rather than couples counselling / therapy or marriage counselling / therapy. The suggestions are based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the few scientifically - research based marriage and relationship counselling programs available.
Dr. Jim Roche
Registered Psychologist
Registered Marriage and Family Therapist
778.998-7975
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
About Dr. John Gottman and Gottman Couples Therapy
ABOUT GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY
I am often asked: "What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?" I guess the best way to explain it is to refer directly to Dr. Gottman's webpage:
Gottman Method Couples Therapy: Through research-based interventions and exercises, it helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s three decades of research with more than 3,000 couples. This research shows us what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship. Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed out of this research to help couples:
-Increase respect, affection, and closeness
-Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck
-Generate greater understanding between partners
-Keep conflict discussions calm
Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other's hopes for the future. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown how couples can accomplish this by paying attention to what they call the "Sound Relationship House," or the seven components of healthy coupleships.
The Gottman Theory For Making Relationships Work:
What does Dr. Gottman say about getting your marriage or relationship back on track?
1. Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes? Find out!
2. Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)
3."Turn Towards:" State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and turn towards them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.
4. The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.
5. Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.
For more information about Dr. Gottman's approach to therapy you can visit his website at Http://www.gottman.com or visit my website at http://www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedmindsbc.com/couples-therapy
(For a direct link to the Gottman web page, click here.) You can also find information on The Gottman Institute at the Gottman YouTube webpage, found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGottmanInstitute
Books, DVD programs and CDs are available from the Gottman website, many on Amazon.ca and you can obtain several in my office. Visit the Gottman site, watch Dr. Gottman on YouTube to get an idea about what he is saying and if your interested in seeing me individually, as a couple or just as a consultant while you work your way through a video based Gottman program, give me a call.
I am often asked: "What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?" I guess the best way to explain it is to refer directly to Dr. Gottman's webpage:
Gottman Method Couples Therapy: Through research-based interventions and exercises, it helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s three decades of research with more than 3,000 couples. This research shows us what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship. Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed out of this research to help couples:
-Increase respect, affection, and closeness
-Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck
-Generate greater understanding between partners
-Keep conflict discussions calm
Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other's hopes for the future. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown how couples can accomplish this by paying attention to what they call the "Sound Relationship House," or the seven components of healthy coupleships.
The Gottman Theory For Making Relationships Work:
What does Dr. Gottman say about getting your marriage or relationship back on track?
1. Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes? Find out!
2. Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)
3."Turn Towards:" State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and turn towards them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.
4. The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.
5. Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.
For more information about Dr. Gottman's approach to therapy you can visit his website at Http://www.gottman.com or visit my website at http://www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedmindsbc.com/couples-therapy
(For a direct link to the Gottman web page, click here.) You can also find information on The Gottman Institute at the Gottman YouTube webpage, found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGottmanInstitute
Books, DVD programs and CDs are available from the Gottman website, many on Amazon.ca and you can obtain several in my office. Visit the Gottman site, watch Dr. Gottman on YouTube to get an idea about what he is saying and if your interested in seeing me individually, as a couple or just as a consultant while you work your way through a video based Gottman program, give me a call.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Your view of personal goals can affect your relationships
Your view of personal goals can affect your relationships
The authors of this short but interesting paper show how what you think about your goals -- whether it's to improve yourself or to do better than others -- can affect whether you reach those goals. these different kinds of goals can also have distinct effects on your relationships with people, including those you work with, live with and love.
The study looks at two different kinds of goals, "mastery" and "performance" goals. This, in itself, is a good thing to think about and how your goals as a couple or family fit one of these two categories. People with "mastery goals" want to improve themselves. For instance, they may want to get better grades, make more sales, or a skater who wants to land that triple toe loop. They want to master their subject.
People with "performance goals" are try to outperform others -- they try to get a better grade than a someone else, or be Sale person of the Year. They want to do better than others.
P. Marijn Poortvliet, of Tilburg University in the Netherlands, and Céline Darnon, of France's Clermont University, are interested in the social context of these goals -- what they do to your relationships. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with these goals. Both kinds of goals can be useful in different contexts. But when and where you have one of these goals can have a deep effect on your relationships.
Poortvliet's work focuses on information exchange -- whether people are open and honest when they are working together. "People with performance goals are more deceitful" and less likely to share information with coworkers, both in the laboratory and in real-world offices he has studied, Poortvliet says. "The reason is fairly obvious -- when you want to outperform others, it doesn't make sense to be honest about information." You don't say, "My intention is to win, to beat you, and this is how I'm going to do it." Nor are you likely to develop a way of expressing yourself that supports openness and sharing, if winning, besting, is your goal.
People who are trying to improve themselves are to the contrary quite open. Poortvliet says. "If the ultimate goal is to improve yourself, one way to do it is to be very cooperative with other people." This cooperativeness can help improve the work environment, even though the people with these goals aren't necessarily thinking about social relations. What they do realize is that they will more likely reach this goal by cooperating, rather than competing. "They're not really altruists, per se. They see the social exchange as a means toward the ends of self improvement." Other research has found that people with these self-improvement goals are more open to hearing different perspectives, while people with a performance goal "would rather just say, 'I'm just right and you are wrong.'"
Poortvliet says it's not always bad to be competitive, "For example, if you want to be the Olympic champion, of course it's nice to have mastery goals and you should probably have mastery goals, but you definitely need performance goals because you want to be the winner and not the runner-up." We all do, some time, need to win. What game would you play where you always lose? How would you feel? Winning is sometimes OK. But how goals affect the social environment and your interactions with others is an important thing to think about. "If you really want to establish constructive and long-lasting working relationships, then you should really balance the different levels of goals," Poortvliet says -- thinking not only about each person's achievement, but also about the team as a whole. The two critical parts to this are: Awareness, and balance. Being aware of what kind of goal you have, and having a balanced set of goals. Appropriate goals, and behaviours, at appropriate times. You can see how this would affect a relationship, how the wrong goals, or a poor balance of goals, would drive a couple apart.
Being aware, and self monitoring, is a good way to keep these goals balance. In the workplace a manager can use different techniques to make sure the workplace has a balance, and therefore is welcoming to cooperation, and encouraging of a little competition. That might make a good goal for a marriage or relationship too.
................................
Dr. jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and has served as a board member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. He has over twenty years clinical experience providing couple, marriage and family therapy. His offices are located in Burnaby, near Lougheed Mall, and Downtown Vancouver. His Burnaby office is convenient to Coquitlam. Port Moody, New Westminster and Maple Ridge. His practice focuses on therapeutic interventions based upon Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and the work of Dr. John Gottman.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
www.relatedminds.com
Dr. Jim Roche at AAMFT: Click here.
9304A Salish Court
Burnaby, British Columbia
778.998-7975
The authors of this short but interesting paper show how what you think about your goals -- whether it's to improve yourself or to do better than others -- can affect whether you reach those goals. these different kinds of goals can also have distinct effects on your relationships with people, including those you work with, live with and love.
The study looks at two different kinds of goals, "mastery" and "performance" goals. This, in itself, is a good thing to think about and how your goals as a couple or family fit one of these two categories. People with "mastery goals" want to improve themselves. For instance, they may want to get better grades, make more sales, or a skater who wants to land that triple toe loop. They want to master their subject.
People with "performance goals" are try to outperform others -- they try to get a better grade than a someone else, or be Sale person of the Year. They want to do better than others.
P. Marijn Poortvliet, of Tilburg University in the Netherlands, and Céline Darnon, of France's Clermont University, are interested in the social context of these goals -- what they do to your relationships. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with these goals. Both kinds of goals can be useful in different contexts. But when and where you have one of these goals can have a deep effect on your relationships.
Poortvliet's work focuses on information exchange -- whether people are open and honest when they are working together. "People with performance goals are more deceitful" and less likely to share information with coworkers, both in the laboratory and in real-world offices he has studied, Poortvliet says. "The reason is fairly obvious -- when you want to outperform others, it doesn't make sense to be honest about information." You don't say, "My intention is to win, to beat you, and this is how I'm going to do it." Nor are you likely to develop a way of expressing yourself that supports openness and sharing, if winning, besting, is your goal.
People who are trying to improve themselves are to the contrary quite open. Poortvliet says. "If the ultimate goal is to improve yourself, one way to do it is to be very cooperative with other people." This cooperativeness can help improve the work environment, even though the people with these goals aren't necessarily thinking about social relations. What they do realize is that they will more likely reach this goal by cooperating, rather than competing. "They're not really altruists, per se. They see the social exchange as a means toward the ends of self improvement." Other research has found that people with these self-improvement goals are more open to hearing different perspectives, while people with a performance goal "would rather just say, 'I'm just right and you are wrong.'"
Poortvliet says it's not always bad to be competitive, "For example, if you want to be the Olympic champion, of course it's nice to have mastery goals and you should probably have mastery goals, but you definitely need performance goals because you want to be the winner and not the runner-up." We all do, some time, need to win. What game would you play where you always lose? How would you feel? Winning is sometimes OK. But how goals affect the social environment and your interactions with others is an important thing to think about. "If you really want to establish constructive and long-lasting working relationships, then you should really balance the different levels of goals," Poortvliet says -- thinking not only about each person's achievement, but also about the team as a whole. The two critical parts to this are: Awareness, and balance. Being aware of what kind of goal you have, and having a balanced set of goals. Appropriate goals, and behaviours, at appropriate times. You can see how this would affect a relationship, how the wrong goals, or a poor balance of goals, would drive a couple apart.
Being aware, and self monitoring, is a good way to keep these goals balance. In the workplace a manager can use different techniques to make sure the workplace has a balance, and therefore is welcoming to cooperation, and encouraging of a little competition. That might make a good goal for a marriage or relationship too.
................................
Dr. jim Roche is a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and has served as a board member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. He has over twenty years clinical experience providing couple, marriage and family therapy. His offices are located in Burnaby, near Lougheed Mall, and Downtown Vancouver. His Burnaby office is convenient to Coquitlam. Port Moody, New Westminster and Maple Ridge. His practice focuses on therapeutic interventions based upon Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and the work of Dr. John Gottman.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
www.relatedminds.com
Dr. Jim Roche at AAMFT: Click here.
9304A Salish Court
Burnaby, British Columbia
778.998-7975
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview
John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview
Everybody comes for "communications help" when they come for marriage therapy or couple or family therapy. But often the problem isn't one of lack of communication, they are communicating enough. The problem is often their expectations. This little video shows John Gottman talking about just this issue.
For information on my marraige and family therapy practice please go to www.relatedminds.com
Everybody comes for "communications help" when they come for marriage therapy or couple or family therapy. But often the problem isn't one of lack of communication, they are communicating enough. The problem is often their expectations. This little video shows John Gottman talking about just this issue.
For information on my marraige and family therapy practice please go to www.relatedminds.com
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
What to ask your Marriage or Couples Therapist
I just finished another phone call where I made a referral to another professional rather than taking the case myself. This was a personal referral, a medical doctor who sends couples to me and children for assessment suggested my name to a young woman with an eating disorder. I have never felt I had enough background in eating disorders to treat this disorder and simply told this woman that. I then helped her find a therapist with an appropriate background, education and training to help her. Every psychologist, and every therapist, is not trained or prepared to deal with every situation. I also refer assessments for children under 4, even though I have many years of experience with children and adolescents, I just don't feel competent to assess a 4 year old, but I know someone who is.
Couple and family therapy is like that. Not every therapist, counsellor or psychologist is really prepared to work with a couple or family. Here in British Columbia we have a special situation with there being registered professionals (Registered Psychologists and Registered Social Workers) and then, as odd as it may seem, people who list themselves as "registered" such as Registered Clinical Counsellors, who really are not registered at all!
What? How can that be? Well Registered Clinical Counsellors, RCCs, are not regulated by the government. "Registered" in British Columbia means you are able to practice because you have been granted permission to practice based upon education, experience and a professional examination administered by or acceptable to the REGULATORY AGENCY. The College of Psychologists is one such body here.
RCC's have a professional association, but unlike a regulatory body they do not have a separate government sanctioned process for certifying competence to the public. This doesn't mean that an RCC might not be a very well trained and experienced counsellor. Some are. But howe do you know who is well trained, especially in couple and family therapy, and who isn't?
Usually people look at titles, degrees and make a choice about who they should see, but with couple and marriage problems, this is not necessarily a good idea. An individual may say they provide family or couple therapy, but in reality have very little experience or educational background in the field. Marriage and Family Therapy is a regulated profession in all 50 states in the United States, and is in some parts of Canada (It is usually considered a specialty and requires specially training and education). In British Columbia it is not under the control of a regulatory body at present, so anyone, that's ANYONE, can call themselves a marriage and family therapist. How can you make sure you are seeing someone who has adequate training and experience?
Some therapists here in British Columbia belong to the professional association called the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCMFT). ALL of these individuals have graduate degree's in marriage and family therapy that meet the standards that those licensed in the United States and other parts of Canada meet. All members of BCAMFT have one or two years of full time supervised experience in marriage and family therapy (RCCs need only one hundred hours of supervision and might say they do marriage and couple work after a weekend workshop. There is no law or regulation protecting the title Marriage and Couple Therapist). So my advice is that if you are going to look for a couple, marriage or family therapist you check with BCAMFT and find someone who has meet their standards. Their web page can be found here BCAMFT.
BCAMFT is seeking to organize a "regulatory body" here in BC, and it will just be a matter of time before they do. What I know is that your best bet for finding an experienced family therapist is checking their website. You can also note that many of the clinical members of BCAMFT are also registered psychologists! Yes, you could find someone who has both registrations and this will often help with your insurance company.
After you locate two or three individuals you would like to contact prepare a list of questions to help you make a decision on who would be best for you. I'd write these questions down, so that you ask the same questions to all three people you are contacting. Here are some suggested questions to help you pick the right therapist for you:
1. Can you tell me about your background and training in marriage therapy? (Are they AAMFT or BCAMFT members? Did they attend a program that specialized and focused on marriage and family therapy? How many hours of experience were part of their training? Was their supervisor an "approved AAMFT supervisor?"
A simple follow-up question, which helps because many counsellors say they are trained in the field when they have minimal training and experience, is this:
"What professional association do you belong to that trains and supports marriage and couple counselling?"
If they are working in the field, and are really meet the criteria to be a marriage and family therapist, they should either belong to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) or the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT). If they are a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist they belong, if they don't belong it's most likely because they don't meet the standards for registration.
2. How much of your practice is in marriage and family therapy? Marriage therapy requires special skills, and someone who does mostly individual work would not be my choice. Some therapists try to have a balance of individual, testing and couples work. A good marriage or couple therapist should be seeing several couples every week. Couples therapy requires a mindset that individual therapy does not.
3. Of the couples you see, how many stay together? Usually about 70% of couples stay together. If your therapist says 90% it's something to wonder about. The research doesn't say that's likely (Read Dr. John Gottman's page for some insight into the therapy process. It can be found by clicking here.)
4. What is your experience helping couples like us? And how do you determine your goals?
5. What theories, therapist or books do you recommend to people? Most family therapists are what are known as "systemic" or "systems" therapists. Some are Cognitive behaviour therapists, and many these days will note the writings and techniques of John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field. A lot of therapists take theories and procedures from individual therapy and simply apply it to couples, but couples are a system, and families are complex systems. That's why AAMFT and BCAMFT require one to two years of full time supervised clinical experience working in the field.
I hope this has helped you if you are looking for a couple or marriage therapist. This is an important decision, and you need to find a competent and experienced therapist for this complex task. More information about my own practice can be found at www.relatedminds.com. You are welcome to contact me by phone (778.998-7975) or email (drjimroche@gmail.com) if you would like more information.
Couple and family therapy is like that. Not every therapist, counsellor or psychologist is really prepared to work with a couple or family. Here in British Columbia we have a special situation with there being registered professionals (Registered Psychologists and Registered Social Workers) and then, as odd as it may seem, people who list themselves as "registered" such as Registered Clinical Counsellors, who really are not registered at all!
What? How can that be? Well Registered Clinical Counsellors, RCCs, are not regulated by the government. "Registered" in British Columbia means you are able to practice because you have been granted permission to practice based upon education, experience and a professional examination administered by or acceptable to the REGULATORY AGENCY. The College of Psychologists is one such body here.
RCC's have a professional association, but unlike a regulatory body they do not have a separate government sanctioned process for certifying competence to the public. This doesn't mean that an RCC might not be a very well trained and experienced counsellor. Some are. But howe do you know who is well trained, especially in couple and family therapy, and who isn't?
Usually people look at titles, degrees and make a choice about who they should see, but with couple and marriage problems, this is not necessarily a good idea. An individual may say they provide family or couple therapy, but in reality have very little experience or educational background in the field. Marriage and Family Therapy is a regulated profession in all 50 states in the United States, and is in some parts of Canada (It is usually considered a specialty and requires specially training and education). In British Columbia it is not under the control of a regulatory body at present, so anyone, that's ANYONE, can call themselves a marriage and family therapist. How can you make sure you are seeing someone who has adequate training and experience?
Some therapists here in British Columbia belong to the professional association called the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCMFT). ALL of these individuals have graduate degree's in marriage and family therapy that meet the standards that those licensed in the United States and other parts of Canada meet. All members of BCAMFT have one or two years of full time supervised experience in marriage and family therapy (RCCs need only one hundred hours of supervision and might say they do marriage and couple work after a weekend workshop. There is no law or regulation protecting the title Marriage and Couple Therapist). So my advice is that if you are going to look for a couple, marriage or family therapist you check with BCAMFT and find someone who has meet their standards. Their web page can be found here BCAMFT.
BCAMFT is seeking to organize a "regulatory body" here in BC, and it will just be a matter of time before they do. What I know is that your best bet for finding an experienced family therapist is checking their website. You can also note that many of the clinical members of BCAMFT are also registered psychologists! Yes, you could find someone who has both registrations and this will often help with your insurance company.
After you locate two or three individuals you would like to contact prepare a list of questions to help you make a decision on who would be best for you. I'd write these questions down, so that you ask the same questions to all three people you are contacting. Here are some suggested questions to help you pick the right therapist for you:
1. Can you tell me about your background and training in marriage therapy? (Are they AAMFT or BCAMFT members? Did they attend a program that specialized and focused on marriage and family therapy? How many hours of experience were part of their training? Was their supervisor an "approved AAMFT supervisor?"
A simple follow-up question, which helps because many counsellors say they are trained in the field when they have minimal training and experience, is this:
"What professional association do you belong to that trains and supports marriage and couple counselling?"
If they are working in the field, and are really meet the criteria to be a marriage and family therapist, they should either belong to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) or the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT). If they are a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist they belong, if they don't belong it's most likely because they don't meet the standards for registration.
2. How much of your practice is in marriage and family therapy? Marriage therapy requires special skills, and someone who does mostly individual work would not be my choice. Some therapists try to have a balance of individual, testing and couples work. A good marriage or couple therapist should be seeing several couples every week. Couples therapy requires a mindset that individual therapy does not.
3. Of the couples you see, how many stay together? Usually about 70% of couples stay together. If your therapist says 90% it's something to wonder about. The research doesn't say that's likely (Read Dr. John Gottman's page for some insight into the therapy process. It can be found by clicking here.)
4. What is your experience helping couples like us? And how do you determine your goals?
5. What theories, therapist or books do you recommend to people? Most family therapists are what are known as "systemic" or "systems" therapists. Some are Cognitive behaviour therapists, and many these days will note the writings and techniques of John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field. A lot of therapists take theories and procedures from individual therapy and simply apply it to couples, but couples are a system, and families are complex systems. That's why AAMFT and BCAMFT require one to two years of full time supervised clinical experience working in the field.
I hope this has helped you if you are looking for a couple or marriage therapist. This is an important decision, and you need to find a competent and experienced therapist for this complex task. More information about my own practice can be found at www.relatedminds.com. You are welcome to contact me by phone (778.998-7975) or email (drjimroche@gmail.com) if you would like more information.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
John Gray: How Men Communicate
I've never been a big fan of John Gray, the author of Men are From Mars and Women, well, you know, VENUS! But often times when sitting in a session, trying to be very focused on teaching John Gottman's theory and doing John Gottman's exercises, I end up telling a story based on what I heard from John Gray.
It's pretty good stuff, and you should take some time to figure out why on your wife's birthday the card is more important than the gift, and on your husband's birthday it's the present that counts.
Enjoy this short video.
For more information on my Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy services, serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster and Port Moody out of my Burnaby office, or information about my Vancouver office, click here. If you need information on how to get to my office, or about other services, click here.
Again, I remind you, if you are looking for a marriage, couple or family therapist your best choice is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in British Columbia. These are individuals with specific training and supervision in working with families. If your insurance carrier will only pay for the services of a Registered Psychologist, you will find a number of RMFTs are also Registered Psychologists.
It's pretty good stuff, and you should take some time to figure out why on your wife's birthday the card is more important than the gift, and on your husband's birthday it's the present that counts.
Enjoy this short video.
For more information on my Marriage, Couple and Family Therapy services, serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster and Port Moody out of my Burnaby office, or information about my Vancouver office, click here. If you need information on how to get to my office, or about other services, click here.
Again, I remind you, if you are looking for a marriage, couple or family therapist your best choice is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in British Columbia. These are individuals with specific training and supervision in working with families. If your insurance carrier will only pay for the services of a Registered Psychologist, you will find a number of RMFTs are also Registered Psychologists.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Does Couple Counselling Work?
Does couple counselling work? That's a hard question to answer because success can mean something very different to one couple than another. What I do know is that if your marriage is having problems, you shouldn't wait too long to seek professional help. Sometimes success is a couple staying together. Sometimes it means breaking up. Sometimes it means breaking up and acting in a decent enough way to each other that the divorce doesn't have detrimental effects on your children. And sometimes it means breaking up and NOT making the same mistakes over and over again in your future relationships. But for most couples who show up at my office door for couple therapy or marriage counselling, their goal is to stay together. So what are your chances of staying together?
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
Some people think the answer is found in these questions:
Did you marry at an early age?
Did you not graduate from high school?
Are you in a low-income bracket?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Did your parents divorce?
Do you criticize one another?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you feel contempt for one another?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage, communicate well, use conflict resolution skills, and are compatible with one another. But remember, that means you are statistically more at risk, not that your marriage or relationship is doomed. There are things that you can do, and two of the most effective areas you can do work on are criticism and contempt. John Gottman things these are the nuclear weapons of marriage problems, and he has the data and science to prove it.
The Effectiveness of Marriage Counselling
The science of marriage counselling is being studied in great detail these days, especially by science practitioners like John Gottman. Although some research studies have shown that marriage counselling is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage, we think that receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial to a marriage. A study by AAMFT shows that families do want therapy and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marriage Counselling? Heres the list:
Young couples.
Non-sexist couples.
Couples who are still in love.
Couples who are open to therapy and change.
What Type of Couple Receives the Least from Marriage Counselling?
Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce.
Married individuals who are closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Solutions Learned From Happy Couples
John Gottman's research looks at happy couples for solutions. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship.
Unhappy couples do not have this skill. Gottman suggests that the goal of couple therapy needs to change. Rather than trying to change marriages, he thinks counsellors should teach communication skills to couples. And this is best done by practice, practice and more practice. There are several books, DVD's and complete packaged programs available from the Gottman Institute. These can help, but most couples need personal guidance. My web page contains a number of these resources and your welcome to click here to check these resources out.
My practice, with offices close to Burnaby/Coquitlam/New Westminster and Vancouver can offer you this help. Click here for more information.
Finally, if you need a family therapist or couple therapist elsewhere in the province I suggest you look at the web site for the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the BC Psychology Association. If you go to the AAMFT or BCAMFT sites you will find licensed or registered family therapists who are also registered psychologists, this may help in finding someone who your insurance plan might cover. But most of all, see someone who is a registered marriage and family therapist. Others may claim they do family or couples therapy (such as RCC / Registered Clinical Counsellors or Registered Social Workers), but RMFTs, Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have specialized training working with couples, including on average two years of supervised clinical practice. Others may have taken a course in family therapy, but are not specialists.
Please feel free to contact me if you have questions about finding a family or couples counsellor.
Dr. Jim Roche
778.9987975
www.drjimroche.com
Monday, July 19, 2010
Children, Behaviour Problems and Couples Therapy: Which First?
Often couples come in to see me who are having problems both with their relationship and with their children's behaviour. "Which should we work on first?" is often the question. Well, it's hard to say, but I do know you can't get anywhere working on your children's behaviour issues while your fighting. So, generally I think it's relationship, then kids.
That doesn't mean that you should wait for your relationship to be fixed before you begin working on the kids. There are some simple techniques that will help improve things quickly, and working on these issues will be a good place for you and your spouse to try out your new couples and communications skills.
For those who are not familiar with my programs for children I do a considerable amount of child and adolescent therapy. This usually includes seeing the children briefly, so that I have a fairly good idea of how they are doing, and then training the parents. This is what works best, because parents spend the most time with their children and will have the greatest chance of effecting change.
Often initial child therapy involves developing some interactions skills that will come in useful. I often recommend Dr. Ross Greens book "The Explosive Child" in order to understand how to soften and reduce the frequency of temper tantrums. Yes, these are also good skills to use with each other, and even for couples without children I sometimes recommend this book! Next we try to develop a comprehensive behaviour plan that includes ignoring, as much as humanly possible, inappropriate behaviours, and reinforcing new appropriate behaviours. That means understanding why your child does something, and knowing what the "function" of the behaviour is. We then try to teach the child a new functionally equivalent replacement behaviour which still gets the child what he or she needs or wants, but to do it in an appropriate way. You may be thinking, well, maybe that's what we should be doing with each other as well. You right if that's what your thinking.
Often marriage or couple therapy is about developing a deeper understanding of the needs of the other, and together developing new appropriate ways to meet those needs. That goes for you, your spouse or your child.
If you would like to know more about family or marriage counselling please go to my web page at www.relatedminds.com If your having particular trouble with your child, especially one who has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism or other problems, you could go directly to my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website at www.adhdhelp.ca Finally, you can find out more about me at my Psychology Today web site by clicking here.
You can set up an appointment for my Burnaby office by calling 778.9980-7975 My Burnaby office serves Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New West Minster and Maple Ridge. I also have offices in Vancouver. You will find a map to my office on my website.
That doesn't mean that you should wait for your relationship to be fixed before you begin working on the kids. There are some simple techniques that will help improve things quickly, and working on these issues will be a good place for you and your spouse to try out your new couples and communications skills.
For those who are not familiar with my programs for children I do a considerable amount of child and adolescent therapy. This usually includes seeing the children briefly, so that I have a fairly good idea of how they are doing, and then training the parents. This is what works best, because parents spend the most time with their children and will have the greatest chance of effecting change.
Often initial child therapy involves developing some interactions skills that will come in useful. I often recommend Dr. Ross Greens book "The Explosive Child" in order to understand how to soften and reduce the frequency of temper tantrums. Yes, these are also good skills to use with each other, and even for couples without children I sometimes recommend this book! Next we try to develop a comprehensive behaviour plan that includes ignoring, as much as humanly possible, inappropriate behaviours, and reinforcing new appropriate behaviours. That means understanding why your child does something, and knowing what the "function" of the behaviour is. We then try to teach the child a new functionally equivalent replacement behaviour which still gets the child what he or she needs or wants, but to do it in an appropriate way. You may be thinking, well, maybe that's what we should be doing with each other as well. You right if that's what your thinking.
Often marriage or couple therapy is about developing a deeper understanding of the needs of the other, and together developing new appropriate ways to meet those needs. That goes for you, your spouse or your child.
If you would like to know more about family or marriage counselling please go to my web page at www.relatedminds.com If your having particular trouble with your child, especially one who has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism or other problems, you could go directly to my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website at www.adhdhelp.ca Finally, you can find out more about me at my Psychology Today web site by clicking here.
You can set up an appointment for my Burnaby office by calling 778.9980-7975 My Burnaby office serves Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody, New West Minster and Maple Ridge. I also have offices in Vancouver. You will find a map to my office on my website.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
How to Choose a Marriage and Family Counsellor or Therapist
How to choose a Marriage and Family Therapist
You will find a list of Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT’s) in British Columbia by clicking this link AAMFT.
All REGISTERED Marriage and Family Therapist are all clinical members of the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). This includes a graduate degree focused on family therapy and two years of close clinical supervision by an approved and specially trained supervisor.
When you have identified one or more RMFT from the list who are accessible to you, call and interview them briefly over the phone. Some questions you may want to consider are:
What is your educational and training background?
All registered marriage and family therapists therapists on this list are qualified and experienced, but you may like to find out where they went to school, their specialty, or how long they have been doing this work.
Do you have experience treating the kind of problem I have?
Remember, not all therapists can treat all problems. Sometimes a therapist specializes in certain areas. If the therapist’s area of expertise is not the one you are looking for, ask for a referral to a therapist who can best help you. You will need to briefly indicate the problems you are experiencing (eg. marital difficulties, stress, anxiety at work etc). You should expect the therapist to ask you a bit about your problems to se if THEY are a good fit.
How much do you charge and what is your method of payment?
Fees typically range in B.C. $100.00 to $125.00 for those with an MA. Those with doctorate degrees (PhD’s) typically charge $160.00 to $175.00 per hour.
Would you be covered under my employment insurance policy or any other plan?
Some employers, typically the larger ones, have extended health benefits that cover some counselling. Read the fine print carefully. Sometimes MFTs are covered, sometimes they are not. A number of larger companies have employee assistance plans (EAP’s) that do cover MFTs. Again, check a carefully with your employer’s human resources or personnel department. Although the therapist may not know the answer off hand (as there are many policies and they keep changing) he/she should be able to guide you to find out the information you seek. As well, some employers or insurance companies will add a particular therapist or professional therapy designation to their list of those who are covered if employees make the request.
A number of MFT here in British Columbia are also Registered Psychologist (in addition to their MFT training). Their services are almost always covered by extended health care plans.
Also, remember that you may see a number of individuals advertising, especially on the web, who say they are marriage and family therapist or practice marriage counselling. Many of these are RCCs (Registered Clinical Counsellors) or CCC (Canadian Clinical Counsellors). Unless they are members of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapist they are not registered family therapists. Often they will have had a course of two in family therapy, and maybe have practiced family therapy for a while. However, this is very different from a clinical member of AAMFT and BCAMFT who have completed specialized graduate programs in the field and have had a minimum of 1,200 hours of supervised clinical experience under the supervision of an approved and specially trained supervisor. (Some RCCs may have as little as 100 hours of supervised training, CCCs even less.) Ask, "Are you a clinical member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists?" If couple or family issues are your problem, go to an expert.
Where are the sessions held and what is the length of time of a session?
After you have had a brief conversation based on the above questions you should have a “feel” for this therapist. If you feel fairly positive, proceed with booking an appointment. If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, interview some one else.
Finally, the usual length of session is 50 to 60 minutes. Sometimes you can arrange a longer
session.
For more information on specialized Family and Couple Therapy in British Columbia you can click here and go to BCAMFT website.
For information about my website go to www.relatedminds.com
You will find a list of Registered Marriage and Family Therapists (RMFT’s) in British Columbia by clicking this link AAMFT.
All REGISTERED Marriage and Family Therapist are all clinical members of the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). This includes a graduate degree focused on family therapy and two years of close clinical supervision by an approved and specially trained supervisor.
When you have identified one or more RMFT from the list who are accessible to you, call and interview them briefly over the phone. Some questions you may want to consider are:
What is your educational and training background?
All registered marriage and family therapists therapists on this list are qualified and experienced, but you may like to find out where they went to school, their specialty, or how long they have been doing this work.
Do you have experience treating the kind of problem I have?
Remember, not all therapists can treat all problems. Sometimes a therapist specializes in certain areas. If the therapist’s area of expertise is not the one you are looking for, ask for a referral to a therapist who can best help you. You will need to briefly indicate the problems you are experiencing (eg. marital difficulties, stress, anxiety at work etc). You should expect the therapist to ask you a bit about your problems to se if THEY are a good fit.
How much do you charge and what is your method of payment?
Fees typically range in B.C. $100.00 to $125.00 for those with an MA. Those with doctorate degrees (PhD’s) typically charge $160.00 to $175.00 per hour.
Would you be covered under my employment insurance policy or any other plan?
Some employers, typically the larger ones, have extended health benefits that cover some counselling. Read the fine print carefully. Sometimes MFTs are covered, sometimes they are not. A number of larger companies have employee assistance plans (EAP’s) that do cover MFTs. Again, check a carefully with your employer’s human resources or personnel department. Although the therapist may not know the answer off hand (as there are many policies and they keep changing) he/she should be able to guide you to find out the information you seek. As well, some employers or insurance companies will add a particular therapist or professional therapy designation to their list of those who are covered if employees make the request.
A number of MFT here in British Columbia are also Registered Psychologist (in addition to their MFT training). Their services are almost always covered by extended health care plans.
Also, remember that you may see a number of individuals advertising, especially on the web, who say they are marriage and family therapist or practice marriage counselling. Many of these are RCCs (Registered Clinical Counsellors) or CCC (Canadian Clinical Counsellors). Unless they are members of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapist they are not registered family therapists. Often they will have had a course of two in family therapy, and maybe have practiced family therapy for a while. However, this is very different from a clinical member of AAMFT and BCAMFT who have completed specialized graduate programs in the field and have had a minimum of 1,200 hours of supervised clinical experience under the supervision of an approved and specially trained supervisor. (Some RCCs may have as little as 100 hours of supervised training, CCCs even less.) Ask, "Are you a clinical member of the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists?" If couple or family issues are your problem, go to an expert.
Where are the sessions held and what is the length of time of a session?
After you have had a brief conversation based on the above questions you should have a “feel” for this therapist. If you feel fairly positive, proceed with booking an appointment. If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, interview some one else.
Finally, the usual length of session is 50 to 60 minutes. Sometimes you can arrange a longer
session.
For more information on specialized Family and Couple Therapy in British Columbia you can click here and go to BCAMFT website.
For information about my website go to www.relatedminds.com
Monday, June 14, 2010
An Introduction to John Gottman: Part 1
John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for over 25 years. (His web page can be found at www.gottman.com) There are many theorist in the field, but John Gottman is one of the few who have written books on marriage and couple therapy, practices marriage and couple therapy and has based his practice on research. Most others write books based upon their "experience," which we know is often wrong, and what they "feel" should work. Gottman does what has been scientifically been show to work!
In the next few blogs I want to review his work. I am going to start today by discussing some of the myths and truths about marital dysfunction.
1. Affairs cause divorces. Almost true. While 20-25% of people in mediation groups say that their spouse having an affair was A reason for their divorce, the major reason for divorce given by 80% was a "deterioration in intimacy."
2. Gender differences cause divorce. Well, as some have pointed out, if this were true we would expect a very high number of divorces in heterosexual couples and near zero with gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian couples are not that lucky. It must be something else!
3. Communications problems cause divorce. Most couples coming to see me, like those coming to see most therapists, say they are having trouble with communication. The truth is distressed people communicate very clearly what they feel and mean. Sometimes too clearly. Therapy sometimes stressed expressing even more, only to further damage the relationship!
4. No "quid pro quo" makes unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Research shows this is not the case for troubled couples, but neither is it for happy couples.
What does the research show?
1. Positivity - positive statements - in happy couples is seen at a rate of 20-1! In couples in conflict its only 5-1. The best way to tell if a couple is getting divorced is to watch the number and quality of the interactions when they are NOT in stress and conflict.
2. Marriage tend to end at two times: at 5-7 years due to conflict; and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy.
3. When it comes to arguments the type of person you are with (an attacker, soother, avoider) is not as important as the MISMATCH between them.
4. And surprise! Most problematic issues (65%) don't get solved, they just get managed. Temper your expectations!
How does this research apply to you? I recommend reading Gottman's book Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work to find out. It will guide you through how to understand this research, and how to make changes in your relationship. Much of this information translates into understanding two kinds of states that marriages can be in: 1) Positive Statement Override, where positive statements and behaviours outweigh negatives by 20-1, and Negative Statement Override where the ration is in favour of the negative, or the positives are below 5-1.
Therapy consists of learning what you can do about this, and in reality you can't confront the negative system override directly. Rather you need to develop and support the infrastructure of the positive override system. In therapy we learn to do this through practicing what are called "softened startups; self soothing;working to improve our "acceptance of influence"; making what are called "repair attempts; learning to de-escalate and compromise; making what are called "bids for affection," and avoiding "gridlock."
Most important, we must learn to avoid what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman: Criticism (what kind of person are you?); Contempt (I would never be so low as to do something like that!); Defensiveness (Yeah:? Well what about what you do?); and finally Stonewalling (shutting down).
In Gottman based therapy we focus on six basic skills: 1) Recognizing and avoiding the 4 Horseman; softening startups; Accepting influence (especially for men, yes, it's true); soothing physio arousal; recognizing and responding to repair attempts and finally compromise. Over the next few posts we will be addressing these skills, but we will follow this outline:
1. How to move from gridlock to dialogue
2. Learn how to recover after a fight
3. Reviewing these six basic social skills we just addressed
4. Making effective repairs
I hope this brief outline I will be offering will get you interested in the work of John Gottman. It's my opinion there is nothing that can help more in most cases. Sometimes couples are not ready for therapy and need to be seen individually first. And sometimes there is so much irrational thinking going on that a short period of individual cognitive behaviour therapy or rational emotive therapy might be the best way to start. See a therapist for help, and if you need to see a psychologist remember that a number of therapist here in BC are both registered psychologist and registered marriage and family therapists. You can locate a family therapist at the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist on their "Therapy Locator." Their licenses and registrations will be specified.
For more information on my practice you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
In the next few blogs I want to review his work. I am going to start today by discussing some of the myths and truths about marital dysfunction.
1. Affairs cause divorces. Almost true. While 20-25% of people in mediation groups say that their spouse having an affair was A reason for their divorce, the major reason for divorce given by 80% was a "deterioration in intimacy."
2. Gender differences cause divorce. Well, as some have pointed out, if this were true we would expect a very high number of divorces in heterosexual couples and near zero with gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian couples are not that lucky. It must be something else!
3. Communications problems cause divorce. Most couples coming to see me, like those coming to see most therapists, say they are having trouble with communication. The truth is distressed people communicate very clearly what they feel and mean. Sometimes too clearly. Therapy sometimes stressed expressing even more, only to further damage the relationship!
4. No "quid pro quo" makes unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Research shows this is not the case for troubled couples, but neither is it for happy couples.
What does the research show?
1. Positivity - positive statements - in happy couples is seen at a rate of 20-1! In couples in conflict its only 5-1. The best way to tell if a couple is getting divorced is to watch the number and quality of the interactions when they are NOT in stress and conflict.
2. Marriage tend to end at two times: at 5-7 years due to conflict; and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy.
3. When it comes to arguments the type of person you are with (an attacker, soother, avoider) is not as important as the MISMATCH between them.
4. And surprise! Most problematic issues (65%) don't get solved, they just get managed. Temper your expectations!
How does this research apply to you? I recommend reading Gottman's book Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work to find out. It will guide you through how to understand this research, and how to make changes in your relationship. Much of this information translates into understanding two kinds of states that marriages can be in: 1) Positive Statement Override, where positive statements and behaviours outweigh negatives by 20-1, and Negative Statement Override where the ration is in favour of the negative, or the positives are below 5-1.
Therapy consists of learning what you can do about this, and in reality you can't confront the negative system override directly. Rather you need to develop and support the infrastructure of the positive override system. In therapy we learn to do this through practicing what are called "softened startups; self soothing;working to improve our "acceptance of influence"; making what are called "repair attempts; learning to de-escalate and compromise; making what are called "bids for affection," and avoiding "gridlock."
Most important, we must learn to avoid what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman: Criticism (what kind of person are you?); Contempt (I would never be so low as to do something like that!); Defensiveness (Yeah:? Well what about what you do?); and finally Stonewalling (shutting down).
In Gottman based therapy we focus on six basic skills: 1) Recognizing and avoiding the 4 Horseman; softening startups; Accepting influence (especially for men, yes, it's true); soothing physio arousal; recognizing and responding to repair attempts and finally compromise. Over the next few posts we will be addressing these skills, but we will follow this outline:
1. How to move from gridlock to dialogue
2. Learn how to recover after a fight
3. Reviewing these six basic social skills we just addressed
4. Making effective repairs
I hope this brief outline I will be offering will get you interested in the work of John Gottman. It's my opinion there is nothing that can help more in most cases. Sometimes couples are not ready for therapy and need to be seen individually first. And sometimes there is so much irrational thinking going on that a short period of individual cognitive behaviour therapy or rational emotive therapy might be the best way to start. See a therapist for help, and if you need to see a psychologist remember that a number of therapist here in BC are both registered psychologist and registered marriage and family therapists. You can locate a family therapist at the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist on their "Therapy Locator." Their licenses and registrations will be specified.
For more information on my practice you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com
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