Gottman Couple's Therapy -Marriage and Couples Counselling Explained

About John Gottman
Many therapist in the Northwest use a particular type of therapy called "Gottman Couples Therapy." Unlike some others, Gottman therapy isn't something simply made up, or heavily influenced by a theory. Instead Gottman developed his therapeutic methods by watching and observing couples first hand, through camera and windows at his research centre in Washington state. I really don't know of any other marriage therapy that is so research based rather than theory based.

John Gottman has been conducting this marital therapy research for 25 years, and is a well-respected leader in the field. Gottman has studied what he calls "masters" and "disasters" of marriage, and offers that there are a number of myths about why marriages actually fail that need to be cleared up. Thesauri based upon "theory," which, I have to say, is often just what someone thought and then wrote a book about.

Myths And Truths Of Marital Dysfunction
Myth 1 Affairs cause divorces - 20-25% of mediation groups say an affair was a reason, but the reason given by 80% is deterioration of intimacy. Further, 70% of men and 40% of women had affairs in the 1970's but the numbers are now about equal, largely due to women moving into the work force and having greater access to partners.

Myth 2 Gender differences cause divorce - if this were so, the divorce rate would be 100% for heterosexual couples, and 0% for gay and lesbian couples

Myth 3 Communication problems cause marital conflict - actually, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean

Myth 4 No quid pro quo makes for an unsuccessful marriage - the idea is that doing good things for your partner is contractual on getting good things back; research shows this is not the case for ailing couples, but neither is it the case for happy couples either


You will find these ideas fully explained on the Gottman Institute web page at www.gottman.com

So what is true?
Truth 1 Positivity in interactions in happy couples is 20 to 1, in conflicted couples is 5 to 1, and in soon-to-divorce couples is .8 to 1. Watching a couple interact when they are not in conflict is the best way to predict their risk for divorce

Truth 2 Marriages tend to end at one of two times:
5-7 years due to high conflict
10-12 years due to the loss of intimacy and connection
(there is some disagreement with Gottman on this issue, as marriages certainly end before 5-7 years, as well as between 7 and 10 years, but Gottman argues these are critical or high risk times for marriages)

Truth 3 When it comes to arguments, the type of person one partners with (attacker, soother, avoider) is not so important as the mismatch between the couple:
soothers overwhelm avoiders, and you get the distancer-pursuer dynamic
soothers and attackers have little ability to influence each other, little positive sentiment, and a great deal of emotional tension
avoiders and attackers are the worst pairing, with severe distancer-pursuer dynamic

Truth 4 Most problematic issues (69% in fact) don't get solved, they get "managed."



The Basic Gottman Model
Gottman follows a clear but flexible model:
Here is what to do: Move "Gridlock to Dialogue"
Learn-Teach recovery after a fight - sure, you would prefer they avoid nasty fights, but Gottman has found in his research that fighting in and of itself is not the problem. In fact, couples who do not fight at all are more likely to end up divorced.
Learn-Teach six basic social skills
Recognizing (and avoiding) what he calls the 4 Horsemen
Softening startups of interactions
Accepting influence from your partner (especially for men)
Learn how to sooth physiological arousal (relaxation techniques can help partners calm down during heated arguments, but once they are upset, it may take over 20 minutes for the body to slow itself down to calm levels)
Lear to recognize  (and responding to) what Gottman calls "repair attempts" that occur during a conflicted interaction
Learn to compromise

While some of these are technical terms you will learn in Gottman based therapy, or just by reading his books or watching his videos, I bet most of them you could figure out. I suggest you visit his website www.gottman.com, watch some videos available on his website and youtube, and then decide if you'd like a third party - therapist - involved.

Some people come in and do full strength Gottman therapy, usually seeing me weekly for 8-10 weeks, and then some follow up sessions. Some people come in and for one reason or another start couple counselling by having hour or two consult, and go off with their copies of Gottman's books or his self-help DVD set, and come back for "consultations." This isn't easy, but for some its necessary. Finally, some couple come in, learn about Gottman and the process and go off for a weekend or week long training/therapy/consultation session at either the Gottman Institute or with another practitioner who might do weekend long workshop who I suggest.

Whatever you do, I advise you to see a Registered or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist rather than a "counsellor" with little experience or training in the field. Members of the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) are highly trained specialists with graduate degrees focused on marriage and family therapy, usually 2 years of supervised experience and in most locations they have passed professional tests in the field (in BC "clinical counsellors are not members of a regulatory body, nor do they take any qualifying exams).  You can learn more about marriage and family therapists at the web site for the BCAMFT (British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy).

If you are interested in seeing me for marriage and family therapy, I am also a licensed and registered psychologist, and costs are usually covered (to some degree) by your medical plan. Please visit my website at www.relatedminds.com or the marriage and family therapy page at http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/

I have offices in Burnaby, Vancouver and Seattle, Washington. Please contact me through my website to set up an appointment.

Couples Therapy / Marriage Counselling Vancouver: Is Gottman right for you?

Dr. Jim Roche is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Psychologist in British Columbia. He has offices in Vancouver and Burnaby. He provides couples counselling and marriage therapy using several different techniques as appropriate, including behavioural therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy for marriage issues and the Gottman Family Therapy method. Information about his couples counselling practice can be found any of these sites: http://www.relatedminds.com/couple-family-therapy/
www.relatedminds.com
http://psyris.com/drjimroche
http://www.psychologists.bc.ca/users/jimroche

www.therapistlocator.net/member?226046

http://psychologybc.weebly.com

Is Gottman Family or Couple Therapy right for you?

I almost always recommend the Gottman books to my patients, These range from: The Relationship Cure to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How you Can Make Yours Last. These are great books to go along with the couples or marriage therapy that I provide, and a nice thing is they are also available in audio format for that member of the family you are simply not going to get to read this materials.

Gottman provides a great outline and schema to understand relationships and communications that isn't burdened down with outmoded theories as some other couples therapies are. And they are backed by some research. Not the best research in the world, but honestly, the best research in the field. Before learning about Gottman Couples Therapy I studied in New York with Harvelle Hendricks and welcomes what was a less "psychoanalytic" approach, and one that was based upon real data, not just individual observations and ...well...thinking stuff up.

Still, when couples come in for counselling often they are just not ready to engage in Gottman Therapy. The reasons can vary: Some of the couples I see have ADHD as a contributing factor - a powerful factor - to their relationship problems. Others have similar cognitive problems. I see many couples where one had Asperger's Disorder or autism spectrum disorder. These couples, with ADHD and Aspergers, need psychoeducation on the nature of these disorders, and then specific skill training in the area of concern. Regretfully a number of family therapists without sufficient knowledge and experience dealing with /ADHD or Asperger's Disorder still see these couples rather than referring them on to someone experienced in the field. Part of that is there are very few family counsellors or psychologists with both expertise in family or couples therapy AND ADHD or Aspergers.

Often with these couples Gottman Therapy would be inappropriate, and sometimes couple's therapy is inappropriate as well, and I see one member of the couple for several weeks and then work with the couple together to see how my interventions have helped, and to provide ongoing support for the member without ADHD or Asperger's. A lot of that involves psychoeducation and behavioural planning.

Another group for whom Gottman Family or Couples Therapy might not be appropriate are couples where one member has significant mental health issues, or anger management issues. In these cases I often see the partners separately and work on behavioural training in anger management, cognitive therapy and sometimes issues relating to more severe problems such as bipolar disorder or depression. It's not uncommon for me to have the couple's family doctor make a referral for one member to the UBC or other Mood Clinic and to a psychiatrist for help with more severe mood or cognitive distortions that make couples work inappropriate at the moment. Make sure your therapist is not afraid of making appropriate referrals. Not all problems can be dealt with by addressing issues within the couple or issues of communication. Often that can lead to frustration and further problems.

What alternatives are there for others with mild issues of mood such as depression, anxiety, anger or stress? Many couples with these issues come in and I see one partner individually for CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - using materials and skills from Aaron Beck, Judith Beck and other well know cognitive behavioural therapists who have experience working with both individuals and couples. This is often the best path to go.

And Gottman? I almost always still suggest using Gottmans Couple Therapy books or audio programs, watching the Gottman Institutes many videos and still working on those issues that make a marriage or any relationship last. But sticking to one approach, and seeing every problem through the lens of couples therapy and communications, isn't always the best thing.

For more information on my services, please feel free to contact me through one of the web pages above. As always, this blog, and what I write here, is not meant to be medical or psychological advise. It serves as information to help you understand choices and what is available. See your family doctor or a registered psychologist if you need help with any relational or mental health issue.

Gottman Couples Counselling

Answering calls from individuals looking for a couples counsellor or marriage therapist I am often asked ifI am a Registered Psychologist, rather than a Marriage and Family Therapist. This is important to many people because their extended health care plans only cover couple's therapy, relation counselling and marriage counselling offered by a Registered Psychologist, and not by a Registered Clinical Counsellor. They often wonder why and the answer is pretty simply: Registered Clinical Counsellors in BC are not actually "Registered" or regulated by the government, as are medical doctors and psychologists. They don't have a regulatory body but instead have an association which they have membership in. This is important to some insurance companies, and not to others, as a quality control issue. But still, I'm surprised so few people ask me about being a "Family Therapist." Here in BC, besides RCCs or "Clinical Counsellors," and Registered Psychologists we have a third important group of trained professionals, "Registered Marriage and Family Therapists" or RMFT. For information on how to find a RMFT near you I recommend visiting the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (BCAMFT) at this web site: http://www.bcamft.bc.ca/

One important issue to remember is that if your extended health care will only pay for services from a Registered Psychologist and your after marriage counselling or relationship therapy, many Registered Psychologists are also RMFT here in BC. Cross Registration is not unusual. That may serve as a solution to getting someone who qualifies under your insurance program AND is an expert in marriage and family therapy. Marriage counselling, marriage therapy and family therapy is a separate license in most US states and provinces in Canada because it's a specialized field of practice involving specific training in family therapy, couple counselling and 'systemic" based theory and practice.

The next most frequent question I get about couples counselling and therapy is "Are you trained in the Gottman method?" The Gottman method for marriage and family counselling or therapy is a very specific set of training, theory, practice and expertise. John Gottman began working with couples over 25 years ago, and unlike other counsellors and therapist who came to the problem of working with couples and relationships from a clinical point of view John Gottman started as a researcher and then became a therapist. He moved from theory and science based practice to therapy itself. John Gottman prides himself upon his "scientific" basis for his practice. Not everyone would agree that his research is as important and different from other ways of doing couple's counselling and marriage therapy, but overall after looking at what he has done and comparing it to other theories and practices in counselling it is far more research and science based. Not perfect, but so obviously better.

Because of this many couples want to use the "Gottman technique" in working on their marriages.

His theories would fall under the "communications, negotiation and conflict resolution" school of couple counselling. What you can expect when working with a therapist or counsellor using the Gottman method is  this: "Successful conflict resolution isn't what makes marriages work." That's a somewhat new and different point of view. Most couples come to counselling and therapy expecting that the primary ...sometimes the only goal of counselling and therapy is learn how to solve conflicts successfully. Gottman says there is more to a healthy marriage or relationship than that.

What Gottman actually says is that if you do this simple and basic things your marriage will work, conflicts or no conflicts. That thing is: Increase positive interactions. It's as simple as that, and as hard as that. This is not a new concept, and has been around as part of basic parent education programs for decades. Increasing positive interactions comes BEFORE solving conflict issues because doing this makes the solving easier, more likely and sometimes not even necessary. (Not necessary because the truth is most conflicts in most relationships aren't solved anyway, we most often agree to disagree. When we can't, there are other problems going on and it's not necessarily a problem with communication or conflict resolution -again- because in real life people learn to disagree.)

What are the ways that we can increase the positive interactions in our relationship?  First, Gottman says we need to know each other. We have to learn, or perhaps re-learn and become aware of again - each other's like's and dislikes, wishes, dreams and hopes. We don't have to share these, we need to know our partners. Second, we need to focus on each other's positive qualities (name them, be aware of them), be aware of the positive feelings we have for each other, and what positive experiences we have shared with each other. We do this through completing check lists and structured conversations and interactions. Finally, we need to do these positive interactions frequently, as often as possible. It isn't the big events that bring us together, it's the little things.

Gottman adds some more tradition components to his "Secrets" of successful relationships, including sharing power, communicating respectfully (don't jump in and try to solve things that can't be solved, all that is is a good way to lose respect for each other!), overcome the "gridlock" that is stopping you from moving forward and finally work actively at creating shared meaning (values, attitudes, interests and traditions).

While Gottman's method of marriage therapy and couple therapy may sound a little less radical that he portrays it, it still takes a very different point of view and focus than most traditional methods of couple counselling which are usually focused almost entirely on "communications training."

Gottman's work can be read about in some very useful self help books including his "Seven Secrets to a Successful Marriage." I highly recommend this book, and use it, along with Gottman specific training materials during couple and marriage therapy in my practice in Burnaby and Vancouver. But there is one more point, a warning from a number of therapists. Some therapist feel the greatest factor in couples being unable to use the Gottman materials independently (or to naturally interact as Gottman proposes) is individual psychopathology. One member of a couple may be hypersensitive to comments from the other due to low self esteem or personal history. One member may have ADHD, a learning disability or a difficult time expressing and understanding the emotions of others. One may have depression, an anxiety disorder or a more serious personality issue. For these couples the initial work needs to be one-on-one. Individualized treatment aimed at preparing them to take part in couples counselling or therapy. Sometimes there is simply such an imbalance of power within the relationship that it's impossible for one member to participate until they have skills and tools that make them feel safe and in control of their own destiny and decision making process. These are issues for someone with considerable experience in both couple and individual therapy, as well as using the two together.

For more information on the services I provide as a Registered Psychologist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in my Vancouver and Burnaby offices please see my web pages at: www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy/
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KEYWORDS: Couple Counselling, Couple Therapy, Marriage Counselling, Marriage Therapy, Registered Psychologist, Gottman, Vancouver, Burnaby, New Westminster, Coquitlam, Maple Ridge

Infidelity and Couples Therapy (Gottman's Thoughts)

John Gottman points out that it a myth that infidelity, cheating, is the cause of divorce. He reports that 20-25% of people in divorce mediation do say that an affair was a reason for the marriage ending, but THE reason given by nearly 80% of these couples is a "deterioration of intimacy." In fact, researchers (Fisher et al 2009) have found that relationship problems- usually noted as a :deterioration of intimacy" is reported in over 80 percent of cases by men. Other researches have supported this finding. IT starts with a breakdown in the love component of your relationship. The affair is often just the last straw.

There are several other myths about relationships that Gottman addresses in his work and practice as a couples therapist. One big one is that "communications problems" cause marriage problems and conflicts. This sounds good, and sounds simple. The truth is, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean.

What Gottman suggests is that couples are never going to learn to "not communicate" the often hurtful and damaging things they say. Rather, what is important is to learn how to properly argue, disagree and differ in wants, needs, ideas and feelings. It's not what they are doing, we all disagree and get upset, instead it's about HOW they do it. Gottman offers clear, understandable tools for fixing this problem, which doesn't include the typical, " Say everything ...."  Instead it's "say what's appropriate, in a way that shows your still committed to the relationship."  In other words, make each other feel safe, especially when angry.

When you think about this, this is a skill any good parent has. They learn how to set limits, correct and when necessary even punish their children without driving a nail through their self esteem. We need to learn to do that with each other.

In happy couples Gottman's research shows that number of positive interaction to negative interactions is 20-1.  Yes, 20-1. In conflicted couples it 5-1. Maybe you thought 5-1 was good enough? Research says that 5-1 is a dangerous place to be. In soon to be divorced couples it's 8-1.  Unhappy couples tend to have a filter that screens out positive events and makes even neutral events look negative.  You need to learn to increase the number of daily positive interactions between you.  And, going back to the beginning of this submission, you need to figure out how to renew the intimacy between you. To do that Gottman uses what are called "Love Maps."

If your interested in learning more about Dr. Gottman and his techniques, yuou can visit his website or just Google him on YouTube. He has his own YouTube channel! You'll find a good number of videos on his practice.  If your interested in seeing me for marriage therapy, couples counselling or family therapy, feel free to call me. More information is available on my website at http://www.relatedminds.com or on my marriage counselling | family therapy page at: http://www.relatedminds.com/couples-therapy

I see couples for therapy in both my Vancouver office (serving Vancouver, West Vancouver, North Vancouver and Richmond) and Burnaby (serving Burnaby, Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Port Moody, Maple Ridge, New Westminster, Langley and Surrey). In addition to being a Registered Psychologist in BC I am also a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist (RMFT) with the British Columbia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Jim Roche
http://www.psychologists.bc.ca/users/jimroche
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Keywords: Marriage therapy, marriage counselling, couple therapy, couple counselling, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, infidelity, cheating, Gottman, Vancouver, Burnaby, Coquitlam, New Westminster

About Dr. John Gottman and Gottman Couples Therapy

ABOUT GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY
I am often asked: "What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?" I guess the best way to explain it is to refer directly to Dr. Gottman's webpage:

Gottman Method Couples Therapy:  Through research-based interventions and exercises, it helps couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationships. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s three decades of research with more than 3,000 couples. This research shows us what actually works to help couples achieve a long-term healthy relationship. Gottman Method Couples Therapy was developed out of this research to help couples:
-Increase respect, affection, and closeness
-Break through and resolve conflict when they feel stuck
-Generate greater understanding between partners
-Keep conflict discussions calm

Research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other's hopes for the future. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown how couples can accomplish this by paying attention to what they call the "Sound Relationship House," or the seven components of healthy coupleships.

The Gottman Theory For Making Relationships Work:

What does Dr. Gottman say about getting your marriage or relationship back on track?

1. Build Love Maps: How well do you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or her history, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes? Find out!

2. Share Fondness and Admiration: The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.)

3."Turn Towards:" State your needs, be aware of bids for connection and turn towards them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship.

4. The Positive Perspective: The presence of a positive approach to problem-solving and the success of repair attempts.

5. Manage Conflict: We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” conflict, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. Understand that there is a critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.

6. Make Life Dreams Come True: Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.

7. Create Shared Meaning: Understand important visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.

For more information about Dr. Gottman's approach to therapy you can visit his website at Http://www.gottman.com or visit my website at http://www.relatedminds.com or http://www.relatedmindsbc.com/couples-therapy

(For a direct link to the Gottman web page, click here.) You can also find information on The Gottman Institute at the Gottman YouTube webpage, found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGottmanInstitute

Books, DVD programs and CDs are available from the Gottman website, many on Amazon.ca and you can obtain several in my office. Visit the Gottman site, watch Dr. Gottman on YouTube to get an idea about what he is saying and if your interested in seeing me individually, as a couple or just as a consultant while you work your way through a video based Gottman program, give me a call.

Fighting in a relationship: Know the rules!

One of the things Dr. John Gottman and other therapists know from scientific research is that in any healthy marriage or relationship how you deal with arguments, fights, and mistackes,,miststakes...mistakes...is critical. In this short video John Gottman talks about a simple technique to deal with relationship mistakes, he calls this "repairs." Take a look at the video, and then take a look at Dr. Gottman's books, DVDs or MP3's. You can find more information about Gottman based therapy on my website (www.relatedminds.com) or feel free to call me for an appointment (778.998-7975).



As usual, I will repeat my advice on finding a couples/relationship/marriage or family therapist. Find someone who is actually LICENSED or REGISTERED in the field. Not someone who claims to be a counsellor or therapist and also does relationship or family therapy. Someone who is REGISTERED by a regulating body in that field and has met their minimum standards for practice in the field. Here in BC the field of marriage and family therapy is regulated by the British Columbia Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. To be a Registered Family Therapist you need a graduate degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. not counselling, psychology or social work. In family and marriage issues. PLUS you need to have one or two years of full time experience in the filed. A full year. Registered Clinical counsellors (who are not really "registered" as there really isn't a regulating body) are required to have 100 hours of supervision, and no where is there a requirement for them to have a specific period of supervised practice like 3,6,9 or 12 months). Registered Marriage and Family Therapists have, at minimum, one year of full time practice under a certified and specially trained supervisor. Some Registered Marriage and Family Therapists are also registered as psychologists here in BC, so if your insurance insists on a psychologist, go to the BCAMFT website and find someone who is both. and ask questions. Someone who is a "counsellor" and claims to be providing "Gottman" therapy may have very little experience, no supervision in family or marriage therapy and only attended a weekend workshop by John Gottman or someone speaking about John Gottman. Ask questions. Be aware!

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More information about my services can be found at either the British Columbia Psychological Association (click here), Psychology Today (click here) or my AAMFT Family Therapist website (Click here). I am a registered Psychologist here in British Columbia, along with being a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist. There is also some specific information on treatment for aggression and anger in children on my webpage called "The Angry Child," (Click here) as well as many other resources. Remember, if your having problems with anger, depression, anxiety or sleep...talk to your medical doctor first. He or she can help you make a decision about where to go and who to see for treatment

I look forward to hearing from you.

Dr. Jim Roche
Registered Psychologist
778/998-7975
Offices in Burnaby and Vancouver, British Columbia

Bringing Up Emotionally Intelligent Children

What are the five elements of emotion coaching according to John Gottman?

1. Be aware of a child's emotions
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand
5. Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation

It's really that simple! And, yes, it's that hard too. But Gottman has a great idea going (and a great book and video to go with it) that your job as a mom or dad is to simple be a coach to your child. In Dr. Gottman's research he has found that children of "emotion-coaching" parents had more general abilities in the area of their own emotions than children who were not coached by their parents. In other words, these "coached" children grew up to become what Dan Goleman has referred to as "emotionally intelligent" people. What are characteristics of these children?

Dr. Gottman's research demonstrated that emotion-coached children: Are able to regulate their emotional states; Are better at soothing themselves when they are upset; Could calm down their hearts faster after something upsetting happens; Have fewer infectious illnesses; Are better at focusing attention; Relate better to other people, even in tough situations like getting teased in middle school; Are better at understanding people; Have better friendships with other children; Are better in school situations that require academic performance.

Those are the beefits of coaching your child appropriately, and another nice thing is that while doing this your monitoring your own behaviour! Caching involves modelling! I highly recommend Dr. Gottman's book (you can find it on my web page for resources by following www.relatedminds.com). And if your too busy ....get the video. As a matter of fact, donate one to your local library! Here is a sample: Click-http://youtu.be/eVDMATVzhTk You can also go to Dr. Gottman's web page for more of his ideas...based in science and research.

for more information on my services as a marriage and family therapist or registered psychologist you can visit my web page: www.relatedminds.com or my Psychology Today website or at the AAMFT website.

An Introduction to John Gottman: Part 1

John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for over 25 years. (His web page can be found at www.gottman.com) There are many theorist in the field, but John Gottman is one of the few who have written books on marriage and couple therapy, practices marriage and couple therapy and has based his practice on research. Most others write books based upon their "experience," which we know is often wrong, and what they "feel" should work. Gottman does what has been scientifically been show to work!

In the next few blogs I want to review his work. I am going to start today by discussing some of the myths and truths about marital dysfunction.

1. Affairs cause divorces. Almost true. While 20-25% of people in mediation groups say that their spouse having an affair was A reason for their divorce, the major reason for divorce given by 80% was a "deterioration in intimacy."

2. Gender differences cause divorce. Well, as some have pointed out, if this were true we would expect a very high number of divorces in heterosexual couples and near zero with gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian couples are not that lucky. It must be something else!

3. Communications problems cause divorce. Most couples coming to see me, like those coming to see most therapists, say they are having trouble with communication. The truth is distressed people communicate very clearly what they feel and mean. Sometimes too clearly. Therapy sometimes stressed expressing even more, only to further damage the relationship!

4. No "quid pro quo" makes unsuccessful marriages and relationships. Research shows this is not the case for troubled couples, but neither is it for happy couples.

What does the research show?

1. Positivity - positive statements - in happy couples is seen at a rate of 20-1! In couples in conflict its only 5-1. The best way to tell if a couple is getting divorced is to watch the number and quality of the interactions when they are NOT in stress and conflict.

2. Marriage tend to end at two times: at 5-7 years due to conflict; and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy.

3. When it comes to arguments the type of person you are with (an attacker, soother, avoider) is not as important as the MISMATCH between them.

4. And surprise! Most problematic issues (65%) don't get solved, they just get managed. Temper your expectations!

How does this research apply to you? I recommend reading Gottman's book Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work to find out. It will guide you through how to understand this research, and how to make changes in your relationship. Much of this information translates into understanding two kinds of states that marriages can be in: 1) Positive Statement Override, where positive statements and behaviours outweigh negatives by 20-1, and Negative Statement Override where the ration is in favour of the negative, or the positives are below 5-1.

Therapy consists of learning what you can do about this, and in reality you can't confront the negative system override directly. Rather you need to develop and support the infrastructure of the positive override system. In therapy we learn to do this through practicing what are called "softened startups; self soothing;working to improve our "acceptance of influence"; making what are called "repair attempts; learning to de-escalate and compromise; making what are called "bids for affection," and avoiding "gridlock."

Most important, we must learn to avoid what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman: Criticism (what kind of person are you?); Contempt (I would never be so low as to do something like that!); Defensiveness (Yeah:? Well what about what you do?); and finally Stonewalling (shutting down).

In Gottman based therapy we focus on six basic skills: 1) Recognizing and avoiding the 4 Horseman; softening startups; Accepting influence (especially for men, yes, it's true); soothing physio arousal; recognizing and responding to repair attempts and finally compromise. Over the next few posts we will be addressing these skills, but we will follow this outline:

1. How to move from gridlock to dialogue
2. Learn how to recover after a fight
3. Reviewing these six basic social skills we just addressed
4. Making effective repairs

I hope this brief outline I will be offering will get you interested in the work of John Gottman. It's my opinion there is nothing that can help more in most cases. Sometimes couples are not ready for therapy and need to be seen individually first. And sometimes there is so much irrational thinking going on that a short period of individual cognitive behaviour therapy or rational emotive therapy might be the best way to start. See a therapist for help, and if you need to see a psychologist remember that a number of therapist here in BC are both registered psychologist and registered marriage and family therapists. You can locate a family therapist at the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist on their "Therapy Locator." Their licenses and registrations will be specified.

For more information on my practice you can visit my web page at www.relatedminds.com